2012: a New Year.

The ball has dropped. Actually, that was three hours ago, but either way, it is now officially a new year. 2011 carried a lot of my favorite and happiest memories. There were a great deal of low moments, but nothing completely awful. It was a year of growth for me. A year of recovery. 2010 ended with a lot of pain. I didn't think I would ever feel better after everything that went down that December. I still haven't fully let go of the pain either, but now I carry it differently. I look at it now as something that I survived, that I overcame. To me, it is something that I had to go through in order to get to something better, in order for me to be better as a person.

I miss my life with those people. I miss the way I felt then, about life and about myself. I felt so alive then. I felt like I was actually experiencing life, taking risks and exploring different things, really living. Doing all the crazy things that we did, I felt like I was a part of something. I felt connected to these people through our adventures. I admired, and still do admire, all of them for the characteristics they have that I wish I did. With them, I felt more like them. More like the person I always wished I could be.

I was hopeful, that maybe the person I wished to be was actually possible. That I didn't have to forever be the smart, responsible, 'innocent'. I could be witty and fun. I could live on the edge a bit and do things that are technically wrong, but just to do them. To be a teenager and live recklessly while I could afford to. But once December 2010 reared its ugly head, I fell apart. My whole life I was living through one half of me. The other half hadn't been explored yet. Junior year and the beginning Senior year I was able to do that. When I was around that group of people, I felt whole. I felt like both halves of me were satisfied. And then I lost it again. I lost my friends and I lost half of me. A fitting quote comes to mind: "Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself." That's pretty much what happened to me. It was the second worst thing to ever happen to me, and the second hardest thing to deal with. My grandpa's death being the first.

One year later and here I am. I've graduated high school. Travelled throughout Europe. Finished my first semester of college. Being hired as a stage manager for a local and popular theater. Made a lot of new friends along the way. I've had a lot to be happy about. But still, I feel partially empty. Vacant. Unoccupied. I'm still searching to find what will fill that void. Maybe I can find it in 2012, somewhere along the way. I don't know what this year has in store for me, but I dearly hope for some happiness. I look forward to the day when I feel whole again. The day when my two halves meet.

I'm not big on the whole resolutions aspect of the New Year, but I will say this. I would like to lose weight and become healthier. I would like for my family to be closer and actually act like a family. I would like to continue doing well in school and working toward an academic future and career. I would like some unforgettable experiences. I would like for so many things to come my way, but I know that all things when the time is right/how they should.

Show me what you got, 2012. Sláinte.