A strand of possibility.

I spend the majority of my days being scared of the future. Feeling lonely. Inferior. Wanting so much for my life and for myself, but afraid that I'll never have that dream. Yet, somehow I still hold onto a small strand of hope that maybe one day it will all be worth it. The crying, and the worry. That one day it will all make sense. I guess I'm just holding onto the possibility of a good ending. And hopefully a happy one, too.

That strand makes each day worth living.

2012: a New Year.

The ball has dropped. Actually, that was three hours ago, but either way, it is now officially a new year. 2011 carried a lot of my favorite and happiest memories. There were a great deal of low moments, but nothing completely awful. It was a year of growth for me. A year of recovery. 2010 ended with a lot of pain. I didn't think I would ever feel better after everything that went down that December. I still haven't fully let go of the pain either, but now I carry it differently. I look at it now as something that I survived, that I overcame. To me, it is something that I had to go through in order to get to something better, in order for me to be better as a person.

I miss my life with those people. I miss the way I felt then, about life and about myself. I felt so alive then. I felt like I was actually experiencing life, taking risks and exploring different things, really living. Doing all the crazy things that we did, I felt like I was a part of something. I felt connected to these people through our adventures. I admired, and still do admire, all of them for the characteristics they have that I wish I did. With them, I felt more like them. More like the person I always wished I could be.

I was hopeful, that maybe the person I wished to be was actually possible. That I didn't have to forever be the smart, responsible, 'innocent'. I could be witty and fun. I could live on the edge a bit and do things that are technically wrong, but just to do them. To be a teenager and live recklessly while I could afford to. But once December 2010 reared its ugly head, I fell apart. My whole life I was living through one half of me. The other half hadn't been explored yet. Junior year and the beginning Senior year I was able to do that. When I was around that group of people, I felt whole. I felt like both halves of me were satisfied. And then I lost it again. I lost my friends and I lost half of me. A fitting quote comes to mind: "Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself." That's pretty much what happened to me. It was the second worst thing to ever happen to me, and the second hardest thing to deal with. My grandpa's death being the first.

One year later and here I am. I've graduated high school. Travelled throughout Europe. Finished my first semester of college. Being hired as a stage manager for a local and popular theater. Made a lot of new friends along the way. I've had a lot to be happy about. But still, I feel partially empty. Vacant. Unoccupied. I'm still searching to find what will fill that void. Maybe I can find it in 2012, somewhere along the way. I don't know what this year has in store for me, but I dearly hope for some happiness. I look forward to the day when I feel whole again. The day when my two halves meet.

I'm not big on the whole resolutions aspect of the New Year, but I will say this. I would like to lose weight and become healthier. I would like for my family to be closer and actually act like a family. I would like to continue doing well in school and working toward an academic future and career. I would like some unforgettable experiences. I would like for so many things to come my way, but I know that all things when the time is right/how they should.

Show me what you got, 2012. Sláinte.

To-Read List.

1. We the Animals by Justin Torres

2. You Deserve Nothing by Alexander Maksik

3. Open City by Teju Cole

4. Leaving the Atocha Station by Ben Lerner

5. The Borrower by Rebecca Makkai

6. The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson

7. Ten Thousand Saints by Eleanor Henderson

Family matters.

I have so much on my mind right now and it's all flooding out in tears. I can't stop crying. I just think of everything that I hope for and how I never quite reach it. Ever. I know I have a big heart. And I try to express my love as compassionately as possible toward people, try to make them as happy as possible. I know I won't always receive it back. That's just natural. But I would like to think that from time to time, my family would try, too. No. My family doesn't know how to express or show their love. My family is stale. I am a passionate and emotional human being and being around them makes me feel like I'm drying up under a hot sun. I don't feel anything from them and that is extremely difficult to deal with.

I remember a thought that I had when I was little and my parents had just begun the process of being divorce. Our family was splitting up, well my parents were, and I just remember thinking "well, maybe this means Mom, Matt, and me will get closer." That didn't happen. It doesn't matter if we're under the same roof, different roofs, or no roof at all. No matter what, we're all apart. We don't think, do, or feel anything together. That's all I want is to be together, really together. Not just bodies in a room.

It depresses me to believe that that's never going to happen. We're never going to connect. They're never going to feel like I do, or love like I do. That sounds beyond arrogant. And I seem unbelievable selfish.

I just want my family to want me, too. I don't feel safe with them. I feel trapped, ignored sometimes.

None of this sounds the way that it does in my head. It makes more sense in my head. Of course.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling, or why I feel this way. All I can say is I want a family. I want a family who supports me, loves me, protects me, inspires me, encourages me, talks with me, believes in me. Not one that just exists. They are my family, but I want them to BE family.

I thought this would help more, but it really hasn't. I'll just stop wasting my time and end here.

On my Atheism Soapbox.

I should probably be writing my paper instead of typing this blog, but alas I am not. Something struck me last night when I was talking with my mother. I just finished my short film for my Acting I final and wanted to show it to her. The entire process has been extremely frustrating with her involved. She hasn't been able to wrap her head around how this film gets made. Question after question after question, asking but how can it do that, why do you put it there, what makes the color show, etc., etc. Even after I explained to her all the details I possibly could, in every way I knew how, she still couldn't just accept that the camera would work, and that the film would come out just the way I said it would.

Now what hit me was this: for something so small of thing as camera and film, my mother had to ask a million questions and couldn't just accept what I told her was true. And yet, something so vast and complicated as our universe and the idea of a God, she accepts that and everything that goes along with it so easily. Why do people question all the things that don't necessarily matter in terms of life and death and our beliefs, but not question at all the idea of God when there is so little to support it? I guess I just don't understand why people put so much thought and effort into everyday things and not into the biggest questions of life: where did we come from and where do we go from here?

I question a lot of things. And I question them until I can understand fully or until I get all the answers possible. But I have asked time and time again about God and still I receive no assured answer, no supported answer. I could give 30 pages of support on my Lomokino camera and how and why it works. But no one can do that for God. If you can't even understand the workings and idea behind a silly camera, then how do you suppose you can understand and acknowledge the supposed being and power of a higher power?

This whole topic brings me to another point. A boy in the theatre department at school posted a status today quoting John Updike saying, "Among the repulsions of atheism for me has has been its drastic uninterestingness as an intellectual position. Where was the ingenuity, the ambiguity, the humanity (in the Harvard sense) of saying that the universe just happened to happen and that when we're dead we're dead?" I am extremely tempted to respond with: And where was the ingenuity, the ambiguity, the humanity of saying God did it? At least atheism is supported by millions of years of science, among a great deal else. God is only supported by a book that has been written, re-written, translated, and re-translated for thousands of years by MAN. Stories. The idea of a higher power was created by stories, not fact, truth, nor evidence.

These are the things I think about constantly. I just wish that there were more people around here that understood my thinking. I just wish, too, that people would realize how foolish they really are when it comes to this.

Needed to do something. Needed some soothing. Still do.

I miss the inspiration of my last blog. I'm riding through the dark tunnel of the emotional roller coaster at the moment. Nothing tragic or devastating has happened to me or anyone I care about or anything, I'm just having one of my blue spells. I want so much from life and the people in my own. I know that I can be selfish in that way. But who doesn't want a meaningful relationship with their brother? Who doesn't want their family to get along and enjoy each other's company to the fullest? Who doesn't want people to want them too or even need them, too? I mean, I know that some things just don't change. But it's really difficult for me to accept that this is as good as it gets. That my family will only be as good as it is today. That my brother will only love me as much as he does today. I want more. Typically that desire is called greed, however, I see it more as wanting to reach the fullest potential possible. To not let and piece of me or others go to waste. So that when I die I can say that I loved, cried, laughed, gave, tried, helped, inspired, cared, listened, etc., etc., as deeply and truly as my spirit would allow me.

I'm an emotional wreck 95% of the time. And I know that that is not necessarily a good or healthy thing. But that's all I know how to do--to think and feel. I can't create, so I just react.

I have wonderful people in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for them nor cherish them more and love them more dearly. But I still feel alone nearly all the time. No one quite gets me completely. I think this is why I cling to music, books, quotes, because I find those words or notes that perfectly match me

I feel like my beliefs are a barrier. They stop me from ultimately connecting with people. But when I let go of my beliefs, I let go of me.

I don't know, maybe everything in this world just means too much to me. It's hard for me to find the words, but I am so conflicted all the time. I'm so sad. Not depressed, just sad. Like I'm missing something--something I know is there, but will never come to me.

I think that nothing I say on here actually makes sense or has a point. It all probably lacks meaning completely. It's just as disoriented as I am with my thoughts/feelings.

Sometimes I just need to do something. Somehow this is soothing. Though I don't know why or how.

When in doubt, jump.

I feel overwhelmingly inspired right now. I just finished watching The Human Experience. It's an incredible documentary about two brothers and their friends as the venture to various places in the world and meet all sorts of different people--all in the search for what life means to other people. I've always had this vibrant and uncontrollable passion and desire for life. I try to feel and experience everything as deeply and sincerely as I possibly can. Well, after watching this I feel even more compelled to do so and more compelled to take personal action and initiative toward impacting others lives. I want to see the world and more and importantly meet the people in it. I want that out of body, once in a lifetime, unbelievably moving and life-changing experience. I want to travel. I want go places I've never been before. I want to accomplish something.

I realized that I want to live and not simply focus on all the perceptions and expectations of me or that I think are there. Just live, jumping head first into my dreams. For once in my life I need to take a supreme chance and see where life takes me.

"When in doubt, jump. Figure out how to unfold your wings as you fall."