Too many tears and tears.

I know I'm an emotional person and I don't think it's a secret whatsoever. I've accepted it and even embrace it in some respects, but sometimes it honestly scares me and worries me. The tiniest of things can just hit me in a such a way that so many levels of emotions burst out of me at once in reaction. It doesn't seem like I have much control over it, either. It just seems to happen.

It sucks because I know in my mind that I have reasons, and good ones for feeling the way that I do. I just can never seem to be able to explain my reasoning. It always comes off like I'm super sensitive and overreacting all the time, but there is validity to why I feel the way that I do and I know it's not unreasonable.

But instead, I'm being told "stop being so hard on people","let it go", "forgive people", blahblahblah. Essentially, I am told that I am the problem. That I need to change. Why am I made out to be the unreasonable one all the time? Why can't anyone just take me seriously for how I think and feel and not try to fix me like I'm the one that has the issue? Yeah, I have issues, but they're because of the people that are  constantly saying these things to me. So maybe, and call me crazy, but maybe it would be easier for me to change if you put forth an equal effort. But that doesn't happen, ever, so why should I always be the one who actually tries?

I don't like hurting my mother. I don't like making her feel guilty. But I also can't just stay silent all the time and pretend like the things my "family" does and doesn't do has no effect on me. I just don't think they realize that if things don't change, I don't plan on being around and involving myself in their lives anymore. I need to nurture my spirit not tear it apart or let it be torn apart.

The longer this is like this, the easier it will be to give up and move on. I'm just not putting up with this anymore. I mean, no matter what there will be a hole in me, but the deeper the negative the greater the positive.

When it comes to this topic and situation, I feel like it will always sound like I'm whining or ungrateful, but seriously there aren't words to describe how much I am eaten up by all of this and I can't stand it anymore. And I know that me being upset eats up my family so why not just end the cycle and let go of it all? That's not what I want, but I feel like it's the only option that will be left if this continues to be the only path.