A crack.

It's kinda strange how so much can be going on and nothing can be going on in my life in the same time. My days are filled with duties and responsibilities. I make it through and I do the best I can. The whole time though I'm thinking about so much of what I the future to hold and about everything I hope to accomplish and do. I have ideas and I want to create them.

I'm really alone lately, but for the most part I've been okay with that for once. I'm in the mood a lot to just be in my own world and head, so I guess it's a good thing. The only problem has been that if I have to deal with people outside that world, my family mostly, I crack under pressure, frustration, something. I wish I wanted them to be a part of my life. I mean, ideally I do. But I know it would never work unless they actually payed attention and cared about anything but themselves for once. If they actually knew how to be there for me. I just wish they knew the meaning of things instead of just..things.

A conversation in philosophy class basically shattered me. I had thought about it all before, but the way that Miller discussed it all, I just saw things differently than I have until now. Or maybe not seen it differently, but actually believed in and accepted it instead of just thinking about it as speculation. Divorce was the topic. He mentioned how kids that watch their parents divorce are intensely affected by it, even it they don't know it. And I've heard that statement/idea before and I've thought about it before, but for some reason when he said it I felt like he was talking to me and it just hit me: how have I been affected? How badly?

I've always said it was the right thing. That it needed to happen and that if it didn't happen, Matt and I and mom and dad would be worse off. And I still believe that. But I also think that maybe I will never be able to love someone as a partner because I've never known that affection. I never saw my parents with it, so isn't it impossible that I'll ever be able to know? And I find myself being bitter that they affected me in this way; I am forced into acting and feeling and living a certain way because of it. At least, I don't know how to break free of it.

I mean, I don't trust my family's love, so how can I trust anyone's? I have a feeling that the closest thing I'll have to mutual love and nurturing will be through my relationship with film and art, as strange as that may sound. Nothing else has given as much as, if not more than, what it takes from me.

My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me that it's been yet another year of nothing changing as far as my family is concerned. We are so far apart and I don't ever see us getting closer. I'm giving up hope with that.

I'm not sure where this is going or why this is going. I just finally needed to get some of this out--purge myself some so I can focus on my homework, responsibilities, etc.