Candles.

The last week has been extremely rough, in more ways than one. As per every year, the 30th is nearly unbearable to get through without wanting to curl up in a ball and cry, which I did for a good portion of the day.

I think it was even harder for me this year because I feel as though a part of me is fearing and recognizing the downfall of Grandma. I'm not sure how much long she will be here and I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it. You think it would be easier because I'm older now, but I don't think anyone will ever be ready to have their heart break, no matter how many times it's been broken. It's almost harder than with Grandpa because I'm so alertly watching it all happen. Not only that, but I'm more privy to the strain it's putting on Mom and it's really really difficult seeing her struggle like this and doing so by herself nonetheless. It tears me apart in pieces to see how alone she feels. Especially knowing, that that's my greatest fear for her and myself.

I just feel like my compass is spinning around in circles with no direction in mind. Everything feels chaotic and it makes me anxious.

On top of all the craziness with school, work, family, and the internship my friendships seem all fucked up lately. I can't get a good handle on who to keep in my life and who to let go of. I don't know how to balance my relationships with them with my emotions and just my life in general right now, which is stressing me out as well.

It doesn't help that there is so little consistency with some of them. One minute they seem to care and the next it's like I mean absolutely nothing. I do so much to be good to people and to stay true. Yet, that's not enough. And many times I'm condemned for that, too. I know I'm a self-depreciating person more often than I should be, but it really doesn't help me stop when I have friends putting me down just as often and/or in worse ways than I do to myself, even.

When it comes down to it, I feel like I don't matter to anyone despite how much I try to be worthy. It's all so very exhausting and I just feel myself slowly burning out, while my wick fights so hard to stay lit and left to be free.