Oh, what a while.

It's been a while. Nearly a month. I've been tempted to write more times than I can count lately, but I just haven't had the time to fully commit to a post and I've been struggling with how to find the words to sum up and express it all. In the last couple of weeks I've had some struggles and triumphs as comes with the passing of time and the daily living out of a life.

I'm doing everything I can to push forward with grace. I'm happy I have the opportunity to learn from this internship, but I must admit that lately it's been putting a sour feeling in my stomach. A lot of what is necessary goes against my nature and not in a liberating manner. I feel my voice being given a chance and challenged at the same time and it's becoming frustrating and a bit exhausting, especially considering all of my responsibilities. I feel like I'm being resented and ignored for being responsible and honest. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't feel comfortable. The opportunity is wonderful and I'm learning a lot, but I just think I'd rather be focusing on things I can control and working with people who respect me, regardless.

If anything, everything seems to be pointing me in the direction of stage management and film. It's becoming quite clear that that seems to be the right path for me and that makes me happy and takes away some of the stress and frustration for me. I'm really looking forward to experimenting more with that in my future. I just have to survive the chaos of this internship first.

On another note, I know I've talked a lot about how I feel like a new person lately and that I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and growing and all that jazz. It's kind of strange, though. In focusing on myself more and letting go of somethings I feel just as empty as I did before. I'm empty of anxiety and infatuation and some insecurities. I used to let everything get to me and I'm taking a lot of everything that built up in that way and trying to get rid of it. But, my same root hope is still there and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I still feel alone, but I'm at least not self-destructive about it which is progress at least.
I can't help but want more.