Zero tolerance.

I've had a lot of hate in my heart for a long time. First at my family's incapability to love and support each other, hate in the world for the death of my grandfather, toward my brother keeping me out of his life, my friends for betraying me, hate toward society and humanity its many flaws. Hate toward myself, whether it be for appearances or hating my thoughts, feelings, and actions/nonactions. Growing up I always wanted something more and something better and to just feel comfortable and happy with my world.

I never truly felt that way until my first year at college. I was away from my parents and the people I had always compared myself to since I was five. I was predominantly on my own and making my own choices and meeting new people. My world and how I viewed it had expanded so much. And despite the expected stress and struggles that come with life, I was happy. I was accepting.

Ever since I moved home again for the summer I have felt trapped. Trapped in an environment that I despised and that I have spent too much time in already. And now that I know that things really don't have to be the way that they always were and still are here I have zero tolerance for being "home". My mother and I can't and will never be able to coexist. I'm tired of her telling me who I am or am not, and  who I should or should not be.

I know all of this sounds incredibly whiny and melodramatic but I literally feel locked in a cell when I'm here and I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. I'm angry all the time anymore and that's not who I am nor whom I want to be.

I just want to breathe again without wanting to scream.