The Aftermath.

This past week or so has certainly fucked with my head to say the least. Life gave me a sincere slap in the face. I've done so much thinking about my life and my mistakes recently and there's a lot I've taken from the experience. I think I needed to royally screw things up the way I did to give me the right set of mind and prepare me for this year. I know that sounds really strange, but every year there's been a new challenge and every year I've had to adapt and change and grow because of it and through it. In the end, I've always been pleased with the result, so I guess it's just a matter of practicing some patience for now. That is something of which I don't practice very well.

It's weird because my greatest fear is letting people down, but internally all I want to do is rebel because of that. I don't like the idea of others' influence having such a strong effect on me, so I like to live and act for myself as much as possible, to avoid that. While, I do think that philosophy is beneficial to me in many ways, I've come to realize that its naive to think that our actions don't affect others. Mine this past weekend could not only have screwed up my own life in so many ways, but my friends' and my familys' as well. Yet again, I need to find a way to balance. In this case, by making my own decisions and living my own life without doing so at the potential expense of others.

While I am trying to take this experience and use it as a change for the better, I can't help but feel paranoid and worried about messing up again and feel as if everyone can read it across my face and somehow knows everything that happened. Then again, I may just be stressed because school is starting up and work is really hectic this weekend, too. Part of it, I think is that everything seems to be happening at once and that always makes me a bit stressed and nervous.

I'm trying to regain my enthusiasm as much as possible about this year because I think it is what's going to get me through the next couple of days/weeks. I want to seize opportunities (this internship at Madison Theater, for example), but I'm really scared of taking on too much, so that's something I need to keep in mind and be careful of this year.

All in all, I'm hopeful and I think this should be a good year. I really am just excited to be with everyone again, I think that will help my mind set/feelings/attitude a lot.

Cheers.