Oh, what a while.

It's been a while. Nearly a month. I've been tempted to write more times than I can count lately, but I just haven't had the time to fully commit to a post and I've been struggling with how to find the words to sum up and express it all. In the last couple of weeks I've had some struggles and triumphs as comes with the passing of time and the daily living out of a life.

I'm doing everything I can to push forward with grace. I'm happy I have the opportunity to learn from this internship, but I must admit that lately it's been putting a sour feeling in my stomach. A lot of what is necessary goes against my nature and not in a liberating manner. I feel my voice being given a chance and challenged at the same time and it's becoming frustrating and a bit exhausting, especially considering all of my responsibilities. I feel like I'm being resented and ignored for being responsible and honest. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't feel comfortable. The opportunity is wonderful and I'm learning a lot, but I just think I'd rather be focusing on things I can control and working with people who respect me, regardless.

If anything, everything seems to be pointing me in the direction of stage management and film. It's becoming quite clear that that seems to be the right path for me and that makes me happy and takes away some of the stress and frustration for me. I'm really looking forward to experimenting more with that in my future. I just have to survive the chaos of this internship first.

On another note, I know I've talked a lot about how I feel like a new person lately and that I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and growing and all that jazz. It's kind of strange, though. In focusing on myself more and letting go of somethings I feel just as empty as I did before. I'm empty of anxiety and infatuation and some insecurities. I used to let everything get to me and I'm taking a lot of everything that built up in that way and trying to get rid of it. But, my same root hope is still there and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I still feel alone, but I'm at least not self-destructive about it which is progress at least.
I can't help but want more.

Starting in the mirror.

The person you think you are and the person others believe you to be will never be the same person. Not completely. I think I need to stop trying to make them one and instead accept, learn from, and embrace both and each and all of their distinctions.

And for as much as I want certain things in life, it hit me yesterday that I can't explore and have certain things without first being comfortable with myself. I feel like I'm getting there, but I'm still making a lot of changes and realizing that I can't just make external choices and changes, but that I also have to make internal choices and changes--in how I think, feel, and act.

I think the pieces are finally falling in place and I finally feel ready to turn my life around in the ways that I've wanted for a long time now. I'm determined to see it all through.

I'm a Green.

Hattie told me about how there is a specific "color" for every person. It's a similar concept to the Zodiac signs and studies. I don't know what the origin of it is, but it is surprisingly accurate. I am the color green. And it's really fascinating to me how things like that can fit people so well. I think it's clear that I've been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing of myself lately, and I think it's clear that I've always been like that. But the one thing that the whole "green" personality made me realize was that it really is of utmost importance to me that I preserve the person I am and the values I believe in. I protect it and I cherish it. This realization comes at an ironic time, seeing as it greatly supports my recent idea for my second tattoo. I look at it as a sign that it's the right one to get next.

It means a lot to me to externalize some of the biggest parts of me on my body in the form of art. And frankly I think my tattoo has been a significant factor in allowing me to accept myself and gain a more healthy, positive, and realistic outlook on my life and the world around me.

My tattoos are my therapy and my story, all in one.

Finding a focus. Finally.

I have always been one to have thoughts constantly spinning around in my head about anything and everything, without any hesitation or breaks. The switch is always on. For the majority of my life it's almost been like noise in my head. It was hard to separate where my mind wandered to what was reality. I think that's why I've been so emotional my whole life, because of dealing with such conflict and contradiction.

I'm not sure why, but I have a greater focus now in my thoughts. Everything is more clear. I think I'm starting to figure things out and it's putting my mind at peace a bit. It has made my communication skills amazingly better.

I'm learning a lot more how to explore and put my thoughts and feelings into words and it means a lot to me to be able to do so. I cherish this blog so much as it helps me put things into perspective and just simply express them in the first place.

Now, I have a strong urge to actually journal more. I think it will help even more, but I feel like I need to do it somewhere other than here. I don't have the time or hand strength to write, so it would still have to be a blog of sorts. I'm just always afraid people will find it somehow and I'll be completely exposed. I like sharing who I am and what I'm about a piece at a time, one person at a time, to ensure I'm ready for that to be known and to ensure I can trust the person I'm telling. I may be becoming more comfortable with expressing things, but I'm still a private person and I don't think that will ever change.

Throwback Thursday (Into Friday)

So as I sit and look through everyone's throwback Thursday pictures from today, I'm realizing that I don't really look back and "miss" the past, necessarily. I don't miss who I was then and I don't really miss that life at all. There are things I wish I had done or said or even thought differently, but there's nothing I can do about that now. There's something really great about moving forward and though I am not completely satisfied at the moment, I am in a work in progress and that's something to enjoy even if it does have struggles along the way.


I've been known to be an impatient and emotional person, but lately I seem to be okay with waiting and being able to accept things and deal with them without becoming mentally or emotionally frustrated. That's been the case, at least, for this past week or so and I'm not sure how long it will last, but I'm hoping it sticks around. I'm trying to learn patience and I think it might be starting to catch on. I had the mental maturity last year and this year I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on my emotional maturity. Things are good and I think they will continue to be as long as I can continue keep this outlook.

I'm afraid that this all might just be temporary positive energy leftover from this weekend, but I want it to be more permanent and withstanding. I really am grateful for this past weekend. Good things do come to those who wait, and I'm finally getting better at waiting. I feel like I've been given an opportunity at the same time, though and I don't want to miss out. Tomorrow is my last day to wait and see what may happen, before I try and take some action, again. In a weird way, I feel less scared lately than I normally am. I wish I knew how I have been able to do so.

(Continued...Now Friday...)

It almost seems like I woke up one day and things were just different. It blows my mind how that happens. It's scary, but really wonderful at the same time. It's weird how feeling more confident and accepting is making me feel more capable of the changes I want to make. I'm going to make those changes happen, one step at a time. I'm not going to rush or be impatient. I will be rational and honest and grateful.

Even though what I was hoping for today didn't work out, I still believe things will find their way around and end up how they're supposed to be. I'm not going to be upset, bitter, or disappointed about it. Instead, I'm continuing to look forward. And that's really all any of us can really do when you think about it. Moments don't really linger except in our minds and hearts, they simply move onto the next and the next and the next.

Stepping into the life you want, even ever so briefly, is immeasurably motivating and I intend to apply it and accomplish what it is I'm searching for.

"Oh no."

I've had a less than stellar last couple of days emotionally and mentally, stuck in a subconscious upset mood. Yesterday slowly improved throughout the day, but it finally got worthwhile when I checked my e-mail. I finally received a response from the Madison Theater about the internship I applied for. I got accepted and they wanted me to be a part of the team! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I honestly thought they had already picked their team since I hadn't heard a response, but it felt incredible seeing I actually got it.

I was proud of myself, and really happy. I'm so incredibly insecure when it comes to so many things, with who I am and my relationships with people that when things like this happen to me I actually feel like maybe I'm not a waste and that I actually do have something worthwhile to offer if people just gave me a chance to prove it.

I told my mom about the internship when I applied and so I figured it would be perfect to call her first. I told her, I got it and the first words to come out of her mouth were, "Oh no." Talk about a slap in the face and a sting in my chest. She couldn't just say congratulations or that she was happy for me first before going into worried Mom mode, asking me if I thought I could actually handle it. I told her fuck you and basically left it there.

Wonder why I'm so insecure? Maybe it's because if my own mother can't believe in me, then who would?

I don't want this.

No wonder it's so difficult for me to trust anyone, when people are consistently letting me down or screwing me over. I've had some really incredibly loyal and caring people in my life but they have been few and far between. I don't want to seclude myself or be anti-social, but too often do I give people a chance and I just end up getting hurt. I know a lot of the time, I let people hurt me and I just take their hits and try to brush them off. But there is only so much I can take before I need to let go and get them out of my life. I've done it before and unfortunately I feel like I need to do it again.

It's always going to hurt knowing that I care about, respect, admire, and am interested in other people and that they don't give a second thought about me.

Typing out all these thoughts and feelings, I realize how negative my outlook is, but I also don't know what there is to be truly happy about.

I miss last semester so much. I feel like I'm losing who I was then and I miss that person. I miss that outlook and I want to get it back.