To-Read List.

1. We the Animals by Justin Torres

2. You Deserve Nothing by Alexander Maksik

3. Open City by Teju Cole

4. Leaving the Atocha Station by Ben Lerner

5. The Borrower by Rebecca Makkai

6. The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson

7. Ten Thousand Saints by Eleanor Henderson

Family matters.

I have so much on my mind right now and it's all flooding out in tears. I can't stop crying. I just think of everything that I hope for and how I never quite reach it. Ever. I know I have a big heart. And I try to express my love as compassionately as possible toward people, try to make them as happy as possible. I know I won't always receive it back. That's just natural. But I would like to think that from time to time, my family would try, too. No. My family doesn't know how to express or show their love. My family is stale. I am a passionate and emotional human being and being around them makes me feel like I'm drying up under a hot sun. I don't feel anything from them and that is extremely difficult to deal with.

I remember a thought that I had when I was little and my parents had just begun the process of being divorce. Our family was splitting up, well my parents were, and I just remember thinking "well, maybe this means Mom, Matt, and me will get closer." That didn't happen. It doesn't matter if we're under the same roof, different roofs, or no roof at all. No matter what, we're all apart. We don't think, do, or feel anything together. That's all I want is to be together, really together. Not just bodies in a room.

It depresses me to believe that that's never going to happen. We're never going to connect. They're never going to feel like I do, or love like I do. That sounds beyond arrogant. And I seem unbelievable selfish.

I just want my family to want me, too. I don't feel safe with them. I feel trapped, ignored sometimes.

None of this sounds the way that it does in my head. It makes more sense in my head. Of course.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling, or why I feel this way. All I can say is I want a family. I want a family who supports me, loves me, protects me, inspires me, encourages me, talks with me, believes in me. Not one that just exists. They are my family, but I want them to BE family.

I thought this would help more, but it really hasn't. I'll just stop wasting my time and end here.

On my Atheism Soapbox.

I should probably be writing my paper instead of typing this blog, but alas I am not. Something struck me last night when I was talking with my mother. I just finished my short film for my Acting I final and wanted to show it to her. The entire process has been extremely frustrating with her involved. She hasn't been able to wrap her head around how this film gets made. Question after question after question, asking but how can it do that, why do you put it there, what makes the color show, etc., etc. Even after I explained to her all the details I possibly could, in every way I knew how, she still couldn't just accept that the camera would work, and that the film would come out just the way I said it would.

Now what hit me was this: for something so small of thing as camera and film, my mother had to ask a million questions and couldn't just accept what I told her was true. And yet, something so vast and complicated as our universe and the idea of a God, she accepts that and everything that goes along with it so easily. Why do people question all the things that don't necessarily matter in terms of life and death and our beliefs, but not question at all the idea of God when there is so little to support it? I guess I just don't understand why people put so much thought and effort into everyday things and not into the biggest questions of life: where did we come from and where do we go from here?

I question a lot of things. And I question them until I can understand fully or until I get all the answers possible. But I have asked time and time again about God and still I receive no assured answer, no supported answer. I could give 30 pages of support on my Lomokino camera and how and why it works. But no one can do that for God. If you can't even understand the workings and idea behind a silly camera, then how do you suppose you can understand and acknowledge the supposed being and power of a higher power?

This whole topic brings me to another point. A boy in the theatre department at school posted a status today quoting John Updike saying, "Among the repulsions of atheism for me has has been its drastic uninterestingness as an intellectual position. Where was the ingenuity, the ambiguity, the humanity (in the Harvard sense) of saying that the universe just happened to happen and that when we're dead we're dead?" I am extremely tempted to respond with: And where was the ingenuity, the ambiguity, the humanity of saying God did it? At least atheism is supported by millions of years of science, among a great deal else. God is only supported by a book that has been written, re-written, translated, and re-translated for thousands of years by MAN. Stories. The idea of a higher power was created by stories, not fact, truth, nor evidence.

These are the things I think about constantly. I just wish that there were more people around here that understood my thinking. I just wish, too, that people would realize how foolish they really are when it comes to this.

Needed to do something. Needed some soothing. Still do.

I miss the inspiration of my last blog. I'm riding through the dark tunnel of the emotional roller coaster at the moment. Nothing tragic or devastating has happened to me or anyone I care about or anything, I'm just having one of my blue spells. I want so much from life and the people in my own. I know that I can be selfish in that way. But who doesn't want a meaningful relationship with their brother? Who doesn't want their family to get along and enjoy each other's company to the fullest? Who doesn't want people to want them too or even need them, too? I mean, I know that some things just don't change. But it's really difficult for me to accept that this is as good as it gets. That my family will only be as good as it is today. That my brother will only love me as much as he does today. I want more. Typically that desire is called greed, however, I see it more as wanting to reach the fullest potential possible. To not let and piece of me or others go to waste. So that when I die I can say that I loved, cried, laughed, gave, tried, helped, inspired, cared, listened, etc., etc., as deeply and truly as my spirit would allow me.

I'm an emotional wreck 95% of the time. And I know that that is not necessarily a good or healthy thing. But that's all I know how to do--to think and feel. I can't create, so I just react.

I have wonderful people in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for them nor cherish them more and love them more dearly. But I still feel alone nearly all the time. No one quite gets me completely. I think this is why I cling to music, books, quotes, because I find those words or notes that perfectly match me

I feel like my beliefs are a barrier. They stop me from ultimately connecting with people. But when I let go of my beliefs, I let go of me.

I don't know, maybe everything in this world just means too much to me. It's hard for me to find the words, but I am so conflicted all the time. I'm so sad. Not depressed, just sad. Like I'm missing something--something I know is there, but will never come to me.

I think that nothing I say on here actually makes sense or has a point. It all probably lacks meaning completely. It's just as disoriented as I am with my thoughts/feelings.

Sometimes I just need to do something. Somehow this is soothing. Though I don't know why or how.

When in doubt, jump.

I feel overwhelmingly inspired right now. I just finished watching The Human Experience. It's an incredible documentary about two brothers and their friends as the venture to various places in the world and meet all sorts of different people--all in the search for what life means to other people. I've always had this vibrant and uncontrollable passion and desire for life. I try to feel and experience everything as deeply and sincerely as I possibly can. Well, after watching this I feel even more compelled to do so and more compelled to take personal action and initiative toward impacting others lives. I want to see the world and more and importantly meet the people in it. I want that out of body, once in a lifetime, unbelievably moving and life-changing experience. I want to travel. I want go places I've never been before. I want to accomplish something.

I realized that I want to live and not simply focus on all the perceptions and expectations of me or that I think are there. Just live, jumping head first into my dreams. For once in my life I need to take a supreme chance and see where life takes me.

"When in doubt, jump. Figure out how to unfold your wings as you fall."

Two

So I had this friend, Kalyn. Our older brothers were in a band together and were best friends. They shared a passion and talent for music and they really complimented each others' personalities well. Kalyn and I, however, were and still are very much unalike. I'm short, she's tall. She's blonde, I'm brunette. She's good at everything she does, and I always seemed to struggle. She had self-confidence and I just didn't. But the main difference was that she got along with her brother and I did not with mine. So when we were both about 9 or 10 she invited over to spend the night at her house. I was excited, like all little girls are, for a sleepover. We set up a tent in her living room and baked cookies. Afterwards we stayed up late playing video games. Now, I've maybe played five video games in my lifetime and I suck at every single one of them. Well we picked out this motor-cross game that didn't seem too difficult. Once we started playing I didn't seem to be doing too bad. I was ranking up points left and right and actually beating her. She even started asking me for help with some things, so I gave her a few pointers. Kalyn always won, so selfishly I was really proud of the fact that I was winning. It's always an awesome feeling when you surprise yourself and accomplish something you never thought you could. Well, the next morning we started playing the game again and our brothers came out and sat with us while we played and watched. I was excited for the chance to impress my brother and show him how good I was. It seems silly now, but I thought it would change his opinion of me, I guess. I don't know. Well I didn't play very well that morning and Kalyn was racking up all the points instead. I was so confused and embarrassed. Turns out, the night before Kalyn had switched controllers and told me we were different screens. It wasn't me who won the night before, it was her. Our brothers found it hysterical. I did not. I felt like an idiot and I was angry with her for tricking me that way. I really hate dishonest people. That's probably why we're not friends anymore.

Monologue Draft One.

I've always been one to believe that you come upon things for a reason. That song that plays and describes exactly how you feel--it wasn't a just a coincidence. That quote you read online somewhere or those words someone spoke to you that suddenly make everything make sense. It was supposed to be that way. The words that I needed the most came to me in July. I had been reading this book, "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein. Her story changed everything for me. See, it all started last December. My best friend abandoned me--just woke up one day and told me I was too emotional to be around. I mean, too emotional? What is that even supposed to mean? What was I supposed to be? A brick!? The funny thing was, that "emotion" I shouldn't have was what let me be her friend for so long. She had been really messing things up with her life, making huge mistakes, treating people decided then that I would never forgive her, actively reminding myself every day of what she did. For once, I was going to stand up for myself and not be the bigger person in give in. I gave up believing that she could be a good person and a good friend. I gave up defending her and thinking she had changed. For almost a year I struggled with this, just despising her existence and wishing she would just be sorry for what she did. I became a brick. At least toward her, anyways. In the book, Boorstein mentions an elderly woman who was so incredibly angry for her whole life that it became an auto-pilot emotion for her. .