Realizing the inevitable.

A lot has been on my mind lately (obviously, as always) and what has hit me is that I think the only thing worse than losing someone or something is knowing that you are or will lose them. Cassidy's death still has my heart aching, but I have a pit in my stomach knowing that my Grandma will more than likely be next. On top of that I feel the impending loss of my best friend upon me. Sadly I've felt it coming for a while now, but today confirmed a lot of my fears.

The roomie is most definitely cutting me out of her life completely. While I don't think she sees it that way, that's essentially what it is. Regardless, our friendship is a side note and not a priority. The boyfriend is the priority. Of course. It was hard enough not feeling needed, but now I don't even feel wanted as a friend anymore. 

We are more than likely going our separate ways in the near future and I have a feeling it will mean the final nail on our coffin. As dramatic as that sounds, it really has been a slow, but sure decline for us and it really breaks my heart. I've lost friends in more ways than one more times than I'd like and it doesn't get easier. I just always feel like I'm the "best friend" and "sister" and "favorite" until something/someone better comes along. And that hurts, it really really hurts. 

This is probably the first friendship where I felt like I "belonged" and like I was fully understood. Obviously Racq and I have been friends for forever and we will always know each other best, but we don't always understand each other because we are so incredibly different. I thought I had finally found that friend that was so much like me and it was effortless to be friends. We saw the world the same way. That meant so much to me and now I'm at the point where I have to prepare myself to say goodbye to that.

Friendship is the most important thing to me. More important than family. Friendship IS family to me. That being said, this situation is honestly killing me inside and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. 

HBD.

A reflection is long past overdue. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind for sure. It all feels surreal in a way though, too. I actually survived and succeeded with my first show. I made it through. I did it. That impending point in my life is now a part of my past. This process helped me find a new confidence in myself, which is always a good thing for me. I just want it to last. So far other aspects of my life seem to be in a fairly good place, which also helps.

I'm on my way to finally believing in myself and my potential and my worth. With baby steps, but I am. I am still confident in what I want, but I have not tackled the fear of not ever having it. I've always held such a negative self-esteem and I get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I forget that other people perceive me differently, which is both good and bad at times.

I realize I should and need to be more forward and straightforward about my thoughts and feelings, but for some reason it's so incredibly difficult for me to express either without convoluting it or being so vague. I either divulge too much to the point where no one can translate it other than me or too little to keep my walls up.

What it all boils down to is that it's really hard for me to see myself as wanted, appreciated, or respected because I've felt invisible and insignificant my whole life. Lately, it's been somewhat of the opposite and that has really thrown me for a loop and given me a lot to think about.

What Cassidy Has Taught Me

A while ago I posted on here about my friend Cassidy who passed away in September. I always felt uncomfortable posting about it. Sometimes I feel like when people talk about that stuff on social media/the internet it's for attention and because they feel obligated to because everyone else is or something. That is not always true, but the thought was in the back of my mind then and it is now because I'm not sure that I want to be that person. What I did want was for her to be known for being a beautiful person lost, which she is. Cassidy was so open about what she thought and felt and I always wished I could be more like that instead of being so private about everything all the time.

I think about her every day and she has changed how I have seen everything in the last couple of months. She was only 19 years old. She was beautiful, kind,  honest, funny, and incredibly talented. She had a heavy heart, though, and was often very sad and lonely. She developed a heroin addiction and though she had two strong months of being sober, one time of weakness cost her an overdose, a month-long coma, and ultimately her death.

Why am I going into this you may be wondering?

I bring this up and am finally talking about this because this is what I have realized and learned from this tragic experience. I've learned in the most profound way that no one deserves to feel that low. I won't go into details about her life, because I don't think that's my place. What I do know is that no one deserves to have their world feel so empty to the point that they turn to drugs.

I'm not saying that anyone could have saved her, because there comes a point where you are the only one who can save you. But I am saying that I think we all have a responsibility to help make people want to save themselves, let them know that if they do it will be worthwhile, if that makes sense.

This sort of experience and event puts things into perspective and makes you truly see what matters and what truly doesn't. As I look around, I just see so many of us, myself included, putting so much energy into being angered, frustrated, annoyed, stressed by people, our jobs, our circumstance, things and so easily forget that we are going through and feeling all of this because WE ARE ALIVE. We are here and we have choices, chances, opportunities, and hope. As long as we are breathing, we have all that. That is something to be so deeply grateful for. As long as you are here, everything is okay. If we could embrace the gift that is every moment and the gift that is everyone one else around us, then maybe things could be better.

I just wish we could spend more time loving each other more than we do worrying, complaining, and stressing about every little thing. And I feel myself being so weighed down sometimes, because I just can't wrap my head around what people gain by being disrespectful, competitive, dishonest, selfish and unempathetic. What is the point of doing something if it is not benefiting other people? And I don't mean why do anything if it's not going to end world hunger and create world peace. I just mean what is the point of being anything but kind and understanding to people?

What I've also realized is that it is so hard being kind and understanding when that is not received in return. It's an incredible challenge and I try to accept it as much as possible. Social structures and systems don't make it any easier.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this or what the purpose of this is, if there is one. I guess, I just want to not be afraid of being vulnerable and being open and honest about what I think and feel. Everyone always tells me I take things to seriously, but I'd rather take things too seriously and care about things too much than not at all. So there's that, I suppose. Even though this is only the internet, I guess by posting this I've at least made one step of progress. That is, if anyone actually reads it...

Dreamers.

One of the biggest problems with being a dreamer: you dream up infinite possibilities, ideas, possibilities, circumstances, and lives for yourself. Sure, this gives you options at least. The thing is though, a dreamer spends so much time dreaming and accumulates so many dreams that it quickly becomes unclear as to which ones you want or don't and which are even realistic or not. And with all of this comes the unmistakable fear of never being able to have any of them, even once or for just a short while.

There's so much I want for myself and it's really hard for me to actually reach for them and believe in them. Or believe in myself, really. Everyone in my family has pretty much accepted the life that came to them or that made sense. If they had a dream, I don't know about it, but I do know that they never reached for it. This isn't something to be ashamed or anything, some people have become really happy but following the 'path' that has seemed to be made for them and just go with the flow in that way. I've learned the value of that through them.

But I have dreams and I have ambitions and I don't want to settle but I'm terrified of not being worthy of my dreams and of never being able to make them a reality in the first place. I know that I'm my own worst enemy in this case. But I don't know how to get out of my own way. Realizing and contemplating all of this conflict is exhausting and I don't know how to break the cycle.

It's that time again.

I feel like I always make a post around this time of year, because I do. I always have a lot on my mind and a lot that I carry at this time. The valuable and meaningful aspects of this holiday all revolve around family. My family has been broken for as long as I can remember. We are broken as a unit and we are often times broken as individuals in one way or another. Because of that it's pretty much impossible for me to be happy.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but the entire crutch of this family is that we don't know how to connect or be with one another, so holidays like this are doomed to fail. We all put on a nice face and suffer through it (at least I do). It's the one day of the year that leaves me feeling the most empty, when it's intended for the opposite. And every time the day rolls around, I'm reminded that nothing has changed for us.

The one person in this family that has done nothing but show me love, care, and support is stuck in a nursing home and can't be with us. The whole thing just makes me sick.

I've been called a Scrooge and the Grinch for my attitude toward the holidays. But I will never understand why so much time goes into providing for and enjoying time with your family for this holiday, for two days, instead of applying that sort of care and compassion every day of the year with not only family but everyone else, too. As for my family, I will never understand why they can't even do it genuinely for one day, for this one Holiday.

I appreciate the intended meaning of Christmas for family, but it's never about that with mine. I don't like being this negative, or whining or whatever, but I just have to get these thoughts and feelings out so I can at least attempt to have hope for tomorrow and to not be miserable and disappointed.

Maybe things will change this year. Sadly, though, I doubt it.

December.

Life has been as crazy as ever the past two months. I've been jumping from one thing to the next nonstop between SP, school, work, TAN, family, friends, etc. It becomes stressful and mentally overwhelming quickly, but not having a lot to do gets me emotionally and physically exhausted. Now that the fall semester has finally ended, I find my mind free to wander again. There is freedom in that, but it's also dangerous for me. I've said it time and time again, and unfortunately it is still true--I'm incredibly self-destructive and I don't know how to stop.

I try holding everything in and to let it fade away or roll off my shoulders, I try confronting situations and people to find a solution. I try to do nothing I try to do something. No matter what I do, I feel like I end up where I started. I try to evolve as a person, and I have in many ways, but for what? Even approaching things freely, openly, objectively, logically, maturely, whatever that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change other people. It doesn't change the world. It doesn't necessarily even change the situation. It changes me and that's it. What good does changing and growing for myself do, if everything else stays the same? Then I'm just existing in my own existence, right?

I honestly try every day to be good and do good for both myself and everyone around me through small and big acts alike. It's not that I want to be constantly rewarded or to receive some ultimate recognition or prize or anything. I just want to be appreciated and respected, not revered or adored, but simply appreciated. Is that greedy and selfish for me to want that? Am I supposed to just give and give and give until there's nothing left? I'm not asking that the whole world lift me up. A pat on the pack every once in a while would be nice, though.

I hate saying these sorts of things, because I feel guilty and I feel ungrateful because I know I have a very fortunate life compared to many peoples' circumstances. I know that and it pains me to know that so many people suffer terribly and completely alone. I have family and friends and so I'm not alone. But they make me feel that way sometimes. Some tear me down and whether they are joking or not, it's hurtful. The others don't necessarily tear me down, but they don't build me up either. I think that's why my love and appreciation for Grandpa and Grandma runs so deep within me--because I never once doubted their love, appreciation, and respect for me. Not once. Everyone else, with the exception of a few high school friends, I've doubted every single day. A lot of that is my insecurities, I will own up to that. However, a lot of it is a lack of understanding, respect, and care from certain people in my life.

We're all here and yet no one takes care of each other. No one cares for one another.

What hurts me most is not that this is the case necessarily, but that this may always be the case and that there is no hope for change. That nothing will make a difference in the long run. That scares me to death.

I want to believe that one day my life will change enough to where my hopes and goals can at least be a possibility and that I can at least have the chance to make them a reality with sincerity and dedication. I want to be able to end the cycle this family and many of my friends have created of passing along the inability to love and care for each other. I want it to stop. I want to love my children and teach them and let them teach me. I want to listen to them. I don't want to watch them go through high and lows, but to support them. I don't want them to cry alone. I don't want to give them answers, but allow them to discover their own (questions, too).

I want the game to change and the cycle to break. I want to be together, in every sense of the word. I want these things to at least be possible. I want something I do or say or think or feel to mean something to someone. I want that to make a difference.

My mom always says I have too high of expectations, when really I think my expectations are low. I just wish people would prove me wrong sometimes.

October.

My life continues to be a complete and total roller coaster. I have had so much to be grateful for and happy about this month, and yet, so much shit has happened at the same time. Maybe life just gradually becomes more and more like this as we grow older, but either way it's frustrating.

Most of the shit boils down to the simple fact that people are selfish far too often. I'm so tired of a lot of people around me who have no regard for those around them. I don't understand what is so difficult about being good to one another? If you treat yourself so well, then how does one have zero capacity to put some of that good treatment to someone else? Especially when they are your friend or family member?

I'm not saying that everyone should love everyone, but there is such a thing as simple, common decency. You don't have to sacrifice everything, but there does come a time when one should sacrifice at least something for others.