December.

Life has been as crazy as ever the past two months. I've been jumping from one thing to the next nonstop between SP, school, work, TAN, family, friends, etc. It becomes stressful and mentally overwhelming quickly, but not having a lot to do gets me emotionally and physically exhausted. Now that the fall semester has finally ended, I find my mind free to wander again. There is freedom in that, but it's also dangerous for me. I've said it time and time again, and unfortunately it is still true--I'm incredibly self-destructive and I don't know how to stop.

I try holding everything in and to let it fade away or roll off my shoulders, I try confronting situations and people to find a solution. I try to do nothing I try to do something. No matter what I do, I feel like I end up where I started. I try to evolve as a person, and I have in many ways, but for what? Even approaching things freely, openly, objectively, logically, maturely, whatever that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change other people. It doesn't change the world. It doesn't necessarily even change the situation. It changes me and that's it. What good does changing and growing for myself do, if everything else stays the same? Then I'm just existing in my own existence, right?

I honestly try every day to be good and do good for both myself and everyone around me through small and big acts alike. It's not that I want to be constantly rewarded or to receive some ultimate recognition or prize or anything. I just want to be appreciated and respected, not revered or adored, but simply appreciated. Is that greedy and selfish for me to want that? Am I supposed to just give and give and give until there's nothing left? I'm not asking that the whole world lift me up. A pat on the pack every once in a while would be nice, though.

I hate saying these sorts of things, because I feel guilty and I feel ungrateful because I know I have a very fortunate life compared to many peoples' circumstances. I know that and it pains me to know that so many people suffer terribly and completely alone. I have family and friends and so I'm not alone. But they make me feel that way sometimes. Some tear me down and whether they are joking or not, it's hurtful. The others don't necessarily tear me down, but they don't build me up either. I think that's why my love and appreciation for Grandpa and Grandma runs so deep within me--because I never once doubted their love, appreciation, and respect for me. Not once. Everyone else, with the exception of a few high school friends, I've doubted every single day. A lot of that is my insecurities, I will own up to that. However, a lot of it is a lack of understanding, respect, and care from certain people in my life.

We're all here and yet no one takes care of each other. No one cares for one another.

What hurts me most is not that this is the case necessarily, but that this may always be the case and that there is no hope for change. That nothing will make a difference in the long run. That scares me to death.

I want to believe that one day my life will change enough to where my hopes and goals can at least be a possibility and that I can at least have the chance to make them a reality with sincerity and dedication. I want to be able to end the cycle this family and many of my friends have created of passing along the inability to love and care for each other. I want it to stop. I want to love my children and teach them and let them teach me. I want to listen to them. I don't want to watch them go through high and lows, but to support them. I don't want them to cry alone. I don't want to give them answers, but allow them to discover their own (questions, too).

I want the game to change and the cycle to break. I want to be together, in every sense of the word. I want these things to at least be possible. I want something I do or say or think or feel to mean something to someone. I want that to make a difference.

My mom always says I have too high of expectations, when really I think my expectations are low. I just wish people would prove me wrong sometimes.