Fuck.

What do you do when you can't be the person you want to be, but no one seems to give a shit about who you are?

In stride.

It just hit me that I need to stop thinking that everything that happens or doesn't happen means something, even if it does. I think I was happiest when I just let good and shitty things happen in stride instead of twisting it all around in my head to be a part of something more.

I need to enjoy good memories/times and appreciate them. And let the bad times go, but appreciate them, as well.

Zero tolerance.

I've had a lot of hate in my heart for a long time. First at my family's incapability to love and support each other, hate in the world for the death of my grandfather, toward my brother keeping me out of his life, my friends for betraying me, hate toward society and humanity its many flaws. Hate toward myself, whether it be for appearances or hating my thoughts, feelings, and actions/nonactions. Growing up I always wanted something more and something better and to just feel comfortable and happy with my world.

I never truly felt that way until my first year at college. I was away from my parents and the people I had always compared myself to since I was five. I was predominantly on my own and making my own choices and meeting new people. My world and how I viewed it had expanded so much. And despite the expected stress and struggles that come with life, I was happy. I was accepting.

Ever since I moved home again for the summer I have felt trapped. Trapped in an environment that I despised and that I have spent too much time in already. And now that I know that things really don't have to be the way that they always were and still are here I have zero tolerance for being "home". My mother and I can't and will never be able to coexist. I'm tired of her telling me who I am or am not, and  who I should or should not be.

I know all of this sounds incredibly whiny and melodramatic but I literally feel locked in a cell when I'm here and I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. I'm angry all the time anymore and that's not who I am nor whom I want to be.

I just want to breathe again without wanting to scream.

Lost chance. Hopefully not a last.

Well, I've officially lost all contact with the one connection that has been keeping me inspired the last couple of months. I don't know what all of this means, but I just hope that this isn't the end. I don't know what I would do if it was. I've got a lot of 'what ifs' and 'I should haves' going through my head right now. None of this helps my already sour state of mind.

I really really want another chance. I just want this one possibility to become a reality. Is that too much?

Noisy.

I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that just won't go away. It's been there for days maybe even a week or more. It's like this regretful anxiety sensation that's taking root. I feel uncertain of nearly everything and like my existence is rejected at every turn, even in the smallest ways. It's so hard to tell whether or not I'm just being paranoid, but either way it's making me lonely. I felt this way before and I hated it and I can't help but think that I'm doing something to make this the circumstance. I'm overlooking something and making the same mistake over and over again or something. Otherwise why would I cycle back into these emotions/this state of mind?

I kinda feel like I'm living in someone else's world other than my own. And this one isn't better. I have this idea of how things could be right now and I'm trying to put forth the effort to make things happen, to not be idle. It doesn't seem to working though. Everything seems to spin and spin and ultimately just crash and fall apart in the end.

I'm just unsatisfied with everything right now and I hate being that way, but I haven't really been presented with the opportunity to be the opposite either.

Lately I've been relying on stimulation from anything and everything. When I'm not satisfied I need to at least be stimulated and I'm running out of resources to make that happen. Breaking Bad was there, cleaning was there, talking with Racquel was there and now they're not really. I start my job tomorrow evening. That will definitely be stimulating, but in a much different way. I'm sure nerves and stress will return. Not exactly helpful for my lack of satisfaction.

This past month has just been a blur. A standstill. Emotionally and personally anyway. I keep hoping for the surprise of something more, something moving. Something exciting or inspiring. Something that  just stands out from everything else as something to remember, treasure--something to matter.

I'm kinda rambling. I am rambling. Because I'm all over the place mentally. I just need sleep. Sleep silences the noise.

But confidence isn't enough.

It hit me today that I spent the majority of my life being insecure and hating who I was. And now, it's not that I'm insecure about who I am, I'm actually really proud of who I am, but I just don't feel like anyone notices the things that I pride myself on. I'm confident in that I am smart, kind, honest, hard working, understanding, etc. I just wish people noticed. Or certain people did. I'm afraid that even being all that won't be enough for some. Maybe it's not enough for me either...

I can't win.

I feel like every time something good, something that makes me really happy and hopeful, happens that something equally bad has to follow. Maybe I do this to myself, over analyzing everything all the time. Certain things make me believe that my hopes might be met, but then I just end up doubting it all once a new development occurs.

 One time, I just want to win out over all the rest. I want to be the one remembered, missed, loved, wanted. 

I want to be someone's choice.