Noisy.

I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that just won't go away. It's been there for days maybe even a week or more. It's like this regretful anxiety sensation that's taking root. I feel uncertain of nearly everything and like my existence is rejected at every turn, even in the smallest ways. It's so hard to tell whether or not I'm just being paranoid, but either way it's making me lonely. I felt this way before and I hated it and I can't help but think that I'm doing something to make this the circumstance. I'm overlooking something and making the same mistake over and over again or something. Otherwise why would I cycle back into these emotions/this state of mind?

I kinda feel like I'm living in someone else's world other than my own. And this one isn't better. I have this idea of how things could be right now and I'm trying to put forth the effort to make things happen, to not be idle. It doesn't seem to working though. Everything seems to spin and spin and ultimately just crash and fall apart in the end.

I'm just unsatisfied with everything right now and I hate being that way, but I haven't really been presented with the opportunity to be the opposite either.

Lately I've been relying on stimulation from anything and everything. When I'm not satisfied I need to at least be stimulated and I'm running out of resources to make that happen. Breaking Bad was there, cleaning was there, talking with Racquel was there and now they're not really. I start my job tomorrow evening. That will definitely be stimulating, but in a much different way. I'm sure nerves and stress will return. Not exactly helpful for my lack of satisfaction.

This past month has just been a blur. A standstill. Emotionally and personally anyway. I keep hoping for the surprise of something more, something moving. Something exciting or inspiring. Something that  just stands out from everything else as something to remember, treasure--something to matter.

I'm kinda rambling. I am rambling. Because I'm all over the place mentally. I just need sleep. Sleep silences the noise.