Winter Funk.

My "winter funk", as I like to call it, is already hitting me pretty hard. I find myself trying to being hopeful and borderline day dreaming a lot lately. I've always done that, but lately it's not giving me the drive it normally does. Instead, I end up talking myself out of it all. I come up with reasons for everything to be impossible. Unrealistic. Not for me.

Nothing actually works out for me the way I want and I've been conditioned to expect that. I do and that's the result. Always. Nothing ever positively follows through for me. I absolutely despise thinking so negatively. That's not who I want to be at all. My every bit of my logic and reason knows and realizes the reality. I wish, and I hope, and I think, and I invent the possibilities, but the possibilities are never actuality.

I can't have the family I want, the friends I want, the people I want, the life I want. I don't think it makes me greedy to want these things. I just want to know that they are attainable. And so far, I see no inclination of hope that they are.

Maybe I'm my own worst enemy and I have sealed this fate for myself. Either way, it doesn't suck any less.

I love, appreciate, and respect so many things and people and I want to feel that in return. And even when I do receive it, it's so momentary. The pattern of my life seems to be that nothing lasts. I don't know what or whom to depend on.

I've felt this way for so long and I'm really, really scared that it won't change. What then?

All of this sounds petty and whiny, but I really do feel it profoundly. I have a visceral feeling in my gut that tells me this isn't stupid, it's significant.

Even if I ever did receive the love and appreciation I so desire, I don't think I could trust it. I wouldn't believe it. Currently, I don't trust it, I don't believe in it. I don't know when I developed all this doubt and skepticism, but here it is.

I have no clue where who I used to be went, but the me I used to know is gone. The me I have been lately makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. I feel like I'm out of my skin or something of the sort. I feel like this could be an opportunity for a better version of myself to grow, but I don't feel like I'm growing at all. I feel stuck.

A big part of the struggle is I feel like I have no one to turn to with all of this. Everyone I get close with and learn to trust and rely on disappears from my life and my parents and family is never a trustworthy or worthwhile option. I'm alone. But surrounded by people who expect a lot from me. It's a lot of pressure to try and evoke something from within that you simply don't have or don't even know how to have.

I've lost the energy to care or try or pretend at all really. I don't have the energy to be myself anymore. And I'm not sure who I want to be. Everything feels unnatural.

I'm an emotional bitch and I wish I could just say fuck it all and not care. But I do. I need for things to be different, but I don't think I can do it alone. And I am, most definitely by myself.

Whirlwind.

The past couple months have flown by. Equally so, they have been the longest ones of my life. I don't think I've faced so many challenges and obstacles all at once, though. With school, life, family, friends, the whole lot.

My life has been so wrapped around and focused on The Wedding Singer, I'm not really sure where to go from here with it all. It a lot of ways I feel like I've discovered myself and in other ways I feel totally lost.

I'm not really sure what I want.

It's really hard to think about wants, hopes, goals, etc. when there is so much waiting to happen. I feel like I'm left in the hands of time and I don't have much control of what happens with mine.

Lately, I've been scared about a lot of things. I have fears about a lot of things and they sit in my subconscious all the time. I feel constantly distracted, my emotions already preoccupied.

It's slowly getting easier in some ways, but soon there will be so much time to focus on these underlying things and I don't know if that is a healthy thing or not to be focusing on and figuring out.

Despite these seated worries, I also have a lot to be happy about and grateful for. I'm trying to let the positives outweigh the negatives, but I wouldn't be human if that wasn't a struggle for me at times.

When I try to analyze and sort this all out I find myself just talking in circles and never really getting anywhere. I guess I just want to know where all of this will lead me, what the point of it all was. Accepting that it just is just isn't satisfying enough.

Something to keep in mind.

With everything that has been going on and happening in my life right now, and considering my state of mind with it all, I definitely needed this today. In general, it's wonderful advice to take action with.

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
— Mahatma Gandhi

One step.

I've finally told someone I have an intimate liking toward them. While I pretty much was certain the feelings weren't returned, or at least knew that I wasn't the first option, I did it anyway. I finally allowed myself to have that moment. I took a risk. I was honest. I didn't allow my fear or the possibility of the feelings not being returned from keeping me to do what I could and to say what I feel. I spend so much of my time trying to serve the circumstance and serve the other people in those circumstances that I never do what I need or want.

I have surprised myself with how well I have handled and responded to this situation. But obviously, it does still hurt. It does make me wonder when what I want and what wants me will finally match up.

Regardless though, this person brought so much joy to my life and I will always be eternally grateful for that and could never be bitter or spiteful, just because it's not what I entirely wanted.

At least now I feel like there is an actual direction to be focused on. At least I'm not in limbo. I just have to figure out how to nurture this friendship without giving the wrong impression. That's my only fear at this point. I don't want to have to tip-toe around it all now. Which, I know I won't. But I also feel like it's not my step to take. But maybe taking it will prove the initiative.

Who knows. No matter what, a new/different journey is to be had and that's always something to look forward to.

Fear.

I have lived my life almost entirely in utter fear. I have walked around carrying the fear of being stupid, being a fool, not being good enough, never accomplishing my goals, disappointing and hurting others, rejection, loneliness, death. Fear is common to everyone. I know that. I know it's normal to be scared, to have fears and worries.

I've let my fears control and determine my life, however. And while that does keep me from doing things I will regret. It also prevents me from knowing the full extent of possibility. It's forced me to never know or experience certain things. And I will never know if I would have rather had the alternative or not. I can't always know if there ever was an alternative even. 

By consistently adhering to my fears, I often sacrifice my hopes, my desires, my dreams. I'm too afraid to even try or reach for them. What if it's not what I imagined? What if I fail? What if everything else is ruined? Because of this conflict, I never know what to do. So instead of doing something, I don't do anything at all. I sit. I wait. And I let everything and everyone pass by me. I let them act and I just respond. I'm scared to act. 

I hate the idea of not being able to go back. To start over. To fix things. I'm scared of not being able to change my mind and do things differently. I'm so often torn between two distinct and opposite choices, paths, thoughts, emotions.

I got my tattoo to help remind me to find the balance between the two. However, I can't stay out on the tightrope forever. I can't constantly be balancing in the in-between. Eventually, I need to pick a side. While I am scared of falling, I am just as scared of being grounded. Of never seeing the other side. 

I'm scared of having too many options and of having none at all. I know I'm neurotic. I'm trying to let my head take a break and just let it turn off. Sometimes I'm good at it. But it's really difficult when I've built up so much fear. 

How does one get rid of that? I mean, overall, time heals pain and sadness. At least to a certain degree. What cures fear, though? How does one tackle that? How do you heal or recover from a lifetime of fear?

Realizing the inevitable.

A lot has been on my mind lately (obviously, as always) and what has hit me is that I think the only thing worse than losing someone or something is knowing that you are or will lose them. Cassidy's death still has my heart aching, but I have a pit in my stomach knowing that my Grandma will more than likely be next. On top of that I feel the impending loss of my best friend upon me. Sadly I've felt it coming for a while now, but today confirmed a lot of my fears.

The roomie is most definitely cutting me out of her life completely. While I don't think she sees it that way, that's essentially what it is. Regardless, our friendship is a side note and not a priority. The boyfriend is the priority. Of course. It was hard enough not feeling needed, but now I don't even feel wanted as a friend anymore. 

We are more than likely going our separate ways in the near future and I have a feeling it will mean the final nail on our coffin. As dramatic as that sounds, it really has been a slow, but sure decline for us and it really breaks my heart. I've lost friends in more ways than one more times than I'd like and it doesn't get easier. I just always feel like I'm the "best friend" and "sister" and "favorite" until something/someone better comes along. And that hurts, it really really hurts. 

This is probably the first friendship where I felt like I "belonged" and like I was fully understood. Obviously Racq and I have been friends for forever and we will always know each other best, but we don't always understand each other because we are so incredibly different. I thought I had finally found that friend that was so much like me and it was effortless to be friends. We saw the world the same way. That meant so much to me and now I'm at the point where I have to prepare myself to say goodbye to that.

Friendship is the most important thing to me. More important than family. Friendship IS family to me. That being said, this situation is honestly killing me inside and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. 

HBD.

A reflection is long past overdue. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind for sure. It all feels surreal in a way though, too. I actually survived and succeeded with my first show. I made it through. I did it. That impending point in my life is now a part of my past. This process helped me find a new confidence in myself, which is always a good thing for me. I just want it to last. So far other aspects of my life seem to be in a fairly good place, which also helps.

I'm on my way to finally believing in myself and my potential and my worth. With baby steps, but I am. I am still confident in what I want, but I have not tackled the fear of not ever having it. I've always held such a negative self-esteem and I get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I forget that other people perceive me differently, which is both good and bad at times.

I realize I should and need to be more forward and straightforward about my thoughts and feelings, but for some reason it's so incredibly difficult for me to express either without convoluting it or being so vague. I either divulge too much to the point where no one can translate it other than me or too little to keep my walls up.

What it all boils down to is that it's really hard for me to see myself as wanted, appreciated, or respected because I've felt invisible and insignificant my whole life. Lately, it's been somewhat of the opposite and that has really thrown me for a loop and given me a lot to think about.

What Cassidy Has Taught Me

A while ago I posted on here about my friend Cassidy who passed away in September. I always felt uncomfortable posting about it. Sometimes I feel like when people talk about that stuff on social media/the internet it's for attention and because they feel obligated to because everyone else is or something. That is not always true, but the thought was in the back of my mind then and it is now because I'm not sure that I want to be that person. What I did want was for her to be known for being a beautiful person lost, which she is. Cassidy was so open about what she thought and felt and I always wished I could be more like that instead of being so private about everything all the time.

I think about her every day and she has changed how I have seen everything in the last couple of months. She was only 19 years old. She was beautiful, kind,  honest, funny, and incredibly talented. She had a heavy heart, though, and was often very sad and lonely. She developed a heroin addiction and though she had two strong months of being sober, one time of weakness cost her an overdose, a month-long coma, and ultimately her death.

Why am I going into this you may be wondering?

I bring this up and am finally talking about this because this is what I have realized and learned from this tragic experience. I've learned in the most profound way that no one deserves to feel that low. I won't go into details about her life, because I don't think that's my place. What I do know is that no one deserves to have their world feel so empty to the point that they turn to drugs.

I'm not saying that anyone could have saved her, because there comes a point where you are the only one who can save you. But I am saying that I think we all have a responsibility to help make people want to save themselves, let them know that if they do it will be worthwhile, if that makes sense.

This sort of experience and event puts things into perspective and makes you truly see what matters and what truly doesn't. As I look around, I just see so many of us, myself included, putting so much energy into being angered, frustrated, annoyed, stressed by people, our jobs, our circumstance, things and so easily forget that we are going through and feeling all of this because WE ARE ALIVE. We are here and we have choices, chances, opportunities, and hope. As long as we are breathing, we have all that. That is something to be so deeply grateful for. As long as you are here, everything is okay. If we could embrace the gift that is every moment and the gift that is everyone one else around us, then maybe things could be better.

I just wish we could spend more time loving each other more than we do worrying, complaining, and stressing about every little thing. And I feel myself being so weighed down sometimes, because I just can't wrap my head around what people gain by being disrespectful, competitive, dishonest, selfish and unempathetic. What is the point of doing something if it is not benefiting other people? And I don't mean why do anything if it's not going to end world hunger and create world peace. I just mean what is the point of being anything but kind and understanding to people?

What I've also realized is that it is so hard being kind and understanding when that is not received in return. It's an incredible challenge and I try to accept it as much as possible. Social structures and systems don't make it any easier.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this or what the purpose of this is, if there is one. I guess, I just want to not be afraid of being vulnerable and being open and honest about what I think and feel. Everyone always tells me I take things to seriously, but I'd rather take things too seriously and care about things too much than not at all. So there's that, I suppose. Even though this is only the internet, I guess by posting this I've at least made one step of progress. That is, if anyone actually reads it...

Dreamers.

One of the biggest problems with being a dreamer: you dream up infinite possibilities, ideas, possibilities, circumstances, and lives for yourself. Sure, this gives you options at least. The thing is though, a dreamer spends so much time dreaming and accumulates so many dreams that it quickly becomes unclear as to which ones you want or don't and which are even realistic or not. And with all of this comes the unmistakable fear of never being able to have any of them, even once or for just a short while.

There's so much I want for myself and it's really hard for me to actually reach for them and believe in them. Or believe in myself, really. Everyone in my family has pretty much accepted the life that came to them or that made sense. If they had a dream, I don't know about it, but I do know that they never reached for it. This isn't something to be ashamed or anything, some people have become really happy but following the 'path' that has seemed to be made for them and just go with the flow in that way. I've learned the value of that through them.

But I have dreams and I have ambitions and I don't want to settle but I'm terrified of not being worthy of my dreams and of never being able to make them a reality in the first place. I know that I'm my own worst enemy in this case. But I don't know how to get out of my own way. Realizing and contemplating all of this conflict is exhausting and I don't know how to break the cycle.

It's that time again.

I feel like I always make a post around this time of year, because I do. I always have a lot on my mind and a lot that I carry at this time. The valuable and meaningful aspects of this holiday all revolve around family. My family has been broken for as long as I can remember. We are broken as a unit and we are often times broken as individuals in one way or another. Because of that it's pretty much impossible for me to be happy.

I have a lot to be grateful for, but the entire crutch of this family is that we don't know how to connect or be with one another, so holidays like this are doomed to fail. We all put on a nice face and suffer through it (at least I do). It's the one day of the year that leaves me feeling the most empty, when it's intended for the opposite. And every time the day rolls around, I'm reminded that nothing has changed for us.

The one person in this family that has done nothing but show me love, care, and support is stuck in a nursing home and can't be with us. The whole thing just makes me sick.

I've been called a Scrooge and the Grinch for my attitude toward the holidays. But I will never understand why so much time goes into providing for and enjoying time with your family for this holiday, for two days, instead of applying that sort of care and compassion every day of the year with not only family but everyone else, too. As for my family, I will never understand why they can't even do it genuinely for one day, for this one Holiday.

I appreciate the intended meaning of Christmas for family, but it's never about that with mine. I don't like being this negative, or whining or whatever, but I just have to get these thoughts and feelings out so I can at least attempt to have hope for tomorrow and to not be miserable and disappointed.

Maybe things will change this year. Sadly, though, I doubt it.

December.

Life has been as crazy as ever the past two months. I've been jumping from one thing to the next nonstop between SP, school, work, TAN, family, friends, etc. It becomes stressful and mentally overwhelming quickly, but not having a lot to do gets me emotionally and physically exhausted. Now that the fall semester has finally ended, I find my mind free to wander again. There is freedom in that, but it's also dangerous for me. I've said it time and time again, and unfortunately it is still true--I'm incredibly self-destructive and I don't know how to stop.

I try holding everything in and to let it fade away or roll off my shoulders, I try confronting situations and people to find a solution. I try to do nothing I try to do something. No matter what I do, I feel like I end up where I started. I try to evolve as a person, and I have in many ways, but for what? Even approaching things freely, openly, objectively, logically, maturely, whatever that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change other people. It doesn't change the world. It doesn't necessarily even change the situation. It changes me and that's it. What good does changing and growing for myself do, if everything else stays the same? Then I'm just existing in my own existence, right?

I honestly try every day to be good and do good for both myself and everyone around me through small and big acts alike. It's not that I want to be constantly rewarded or to receive some ultimate recognition or prize or anything. I just want to be appreciated and respected, not revered or adored, but simply appreciated. Is that greedy and selfish for me to want that? Am I supposed to just give and give and give until there's nothing left? I'm not asking that the whole world lift me up. A pat on the pack every once in a while would be nice, though.

I hate saying these sorts of things, because I feel guilty and I feel ungrateful because I know I have a very fortunate life compared to many peoples' circumstances. I know that and it pains me to know that so many people suffer terribly and completely alone. I have family and friends and so I'm not alone. But they make me feel that way sometimes. Some tear me down and whether they are joking or not, it's hurtful. The others don't necessarily tear me down, but they don't build me up either. I think that's why my love and appreciation for Grandpa and Grandma runs so deep within me--because I never once doubted their love, appreciation, and respect for me. Not once. Everyone else, with the exception of a few high school friends, I've doubted every single day. A lot of that is my insecurities, I will own up to that. However, a lot of it is a lack of understanding, respect, and care from certain people in my life.

We're all here and yet no one takes care of each other. No one cares for one another.

What hurts me most is not that this is the case necessarily, but that this may always be the case and that there is no hope for change. That nothing will make a difference in the long run. That scares me to death.

I want to believe that one day my life will change enough to where my hopes and goals can at least be a possibility and that I can at least have the chance to make them a reality with sincerity and dedication. I want to be able to end the cycle this family and many of my friends have created of passing along the inability to love and care for each other. I want it to stop. I want to love my children and teach them and let them teach me. I want to listen to them. I don't want to watch them go through high and lows, but to support them. I don't want them to cry alone. I don't want to give them answers, but allow them to discover their own (questions, too).

I want the game to change and the cycle to break. I want to be together, in every sense of the word. I want these things to at least be possible. I want something I do or say or think or feel to mean something to someone. I want that to make a difference.

My mom always says I have too high of expectations, when really I think my expectations are low. I just wish people would prove me wrong sometimes.

October.

My life continues to be a complete and total roller coaster. I have had so much to be grateful for and happy about this month, and yet, so much shit has happened at the same time. Maybe life just gradually becomes more and more like this as we grow older, but either way it's frustrating.

Most of the shit boils down to the simple fact that people are selfish far too often. I'm so tired of a lot of people around me who have no regard for those around them. I don't understand what is so difficult about being good to one another? If you treat yourself so well, then how does one have zero capacity to put some of that good treatment to someone else? Especially when they are your friend or family member?

I'm not saying that everyone should love everyone, but there is such a thing as simple, common decency. You don't have to sacrifice everything, but there does come a time when one should sacrifice at least something for others.

September.

This month has already presented me a lot of challenges. I've had this subconscious anxiety with everything going on with Cassidy the last couple of weeks while I attempted to prepare for South Pacific and as Arabian started creeping its way into my life, as well. Everything at work is at a peak of busyness and takes up so much time in this shuffle of responsibilities. I've slowly been trying to allow myself to let go of the desire to go the the GC Festival in New York. And in the midst of that trying to adapt to the current situation of struggle with my brother.

All of this stress, worry, frustration, etc. blew up in my face yesterday and just left me completely empty. Losing Cassidy ripped my heart to shreds. Experiencing death like this is a painful and frightening reminder that there is so much in our lives that just doesn't mean shit when it comes down to it. It makes so much seem pointless, worthless. While I have been desperately grasping for any and every memory I possibly can of her, I can't help but feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for leaving so much unsaid. For not giving her a ride, or texting her randomly. For not doing even the smallest gesture to let her know that I still cared about her and would have loved to help her or be in her life. To let her know that I am her friend. I let years go by without ever talking to her face-to-face. No, we were not best friends. And no, we probably never would have been. But it's really difficult to not believe that there was at something I might have been able to do. To touch her life with even a fraction of the light that she brought to everyone else's lives. 

She made a lot of mistakes in her life. She took a lot of risks. But isn't that what life is suppose to be? Her actions may have been seen as reckless and I do believe some of them were. But I just wonder how different it all would be if everyone who is collectively missing her now, would have embraced her in her last months. If maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to break her sobriety. 

I'm haunted by a lot of these 'what if's and I wish I could get them out of my head so I could just mourn and heal properly. I suppose that it's just a part of the process. There's just such an active memory of her, I can still see perfectly playing in my mind. I can hear her laugh, see her walk, everything. I wish I remembered more. I wish I wouldn't have been so insecure and scared and would have actually hung out with her more. I can't do that now.

It breaks my heart to think of how incredible her life would have been if she could have kicked the addiction for good. At the same time, though, I think her soul was too beautiful for this ugly world. 

Right now it's just impossible for me to accept that she is gone. It doesn't feel real. I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to wrap my head or my heart around this. I can't even imagine what her best/life-long friends and her family are going through right now. If I feel this low, their pain must be unfathomable. 

Through all of this, so much fear has come along. Fear that one day it'll be me, or my best friend, or my brother, or my parents, etc. And then once that thought comes, an even more frightening one follows: one day it will be that day for each and every one of them. That impending heartache is too much for me to imagine and I think it is making all of this that much more painful.

Cassidy and Karen had a lot of issues as siblings. That much was clear. However, they also are two of the closest sisters I have ever met in my entire life. And knowing that they are forever apart now, makes me want to run screaming and crying because I don't think I will ever know what that is like. To have my sibling be so integral to my life. To have my sibling know me, in and out, better than anyone else. That frightens and saddens me so much. 

So not only is this a time of heartache, but one of great fear, too. That's a lot to handle at once.

Thankfully, today ended up being better. I have truly and unbelievably wonderful friends who make me really happy. I am so grateful for them, especially now. This has taught me that I can never take that for granted. And it reinforces my belief that we all NEED to be good to one another. Life is way too short to not have love in your heart for each and every person. 

I would give anything to have Cassidy back. But since I can't, the very least I can do is to ensure that she is always remembered, and that I will never take anyone for granted again. I am inspired more than ever to be aware of what truly matters and cherish it dearly. 

A lot left unsaid.

I don't know why it has been so hard for me to come back to this and update on everything. Most importantly, update on my conversation with my brother. It surprisingly went well and a lot better than I had anticipated. The whole experience was exactly what I needed at the time. And for a long time after that everything seemed to be moving toward the direction I was hoping for or at least showed promise in doing so.

Lately, however, I have been having my doubts again. I've just been consistently reminded of how self-centered he truly is, and though he says he is aware of it, I don't think he honestly knows what it means to put others first. He thinks that saying he loves me, and saying he cares, and saying that he will make changes will make all the difference. That's just not enough. And it's not the point.

He's made an effort to have me in his life more, but still makes zero effort to be a part of or to know anything about my life at all. The latter is what matters most in this situation. Showing someone that you love them and care about them is done through taking interest in their life as equally as you make them a part of your own. He has no perception of that and it just makes it seem like our conversation meant nothing and served no purpose for him. I mean, it helped me for a while, which is good, but now I feel like I'm back to where we started and that is infuriating.

I don't see what else I can do and I don't see him honestly doing anything any time soon. I'm just so tired of wasting my time and my love on someone who doesn't actively care about anything but his self-interest.

Maybe I'm asking too much of him at once. But can I really be asking too much if he doesn't even seem to grasp what I'm asking of him, period? I don't think he truly understands what it means to love someone AND be there for them. I don't understand why that is so hard for people to do, because for me it seems like the two go hand-in-hand.

I have made so many sacrifices for him--to support him and in an effort to get time back that we've lost. He has yet to make one for me. He has yet to do anything for me really. He half-asses everything and I'm so done.

P.E.A.C.E.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle and go about my impending talk with my brother. I keep going over possible ways of saying what I feel and think and debating on what to bring up and discuss in the first place. I don't know what is most important and relevant in order to keep it as peaceable as possible. I finally turned to one of my books from philosophy class for guidance and I was reminded of the P.E.A.C.E process. (Problem. Emotions. Analysis. Contemplation. Equilibrium.). I actually realized that I have been doing each of these things while trying to figure out this whole situation. However, I've been going from one to the other in an unorganized and somewhat chaotic and sporadic manner and so I thought writing out my thought process for each might help me make sense of things as it so often does for me with other aspects of my life.

Problem:
My brother and I have no unification as siblings. We live our lives completely separate of one another and always have. This separation has resulted in a disconnect and distance between the two of us that makes us akin to strangers in many ways. We love one another, yet don't practice it. I don't think we know how to.//For Matt, I don't think he even sees a problem, which is part of the problem in my eyes. He thinks everything is fine when I feel like there's nothing there. It hurts that he seems satisfied with our relationship or lack thereof.

Emotions:
This problem has affected me and been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've felt abandoned and unwanted. Mostly not good enough. It makes be sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because I love my brother and want to be close to him. Angry because I believe it shouldn't and doesn't have to be this way. I think it all comes down to feeling alone. It's one thing to not feel close to my parents. That seems natural to me, but it feels unnatural to not be close to my own brother. // For Matt, I know that he loves me. But I feel like he doesn't show me. I understand that, like Mom, it's harder for him to express how he feels. But I just wish he would act as though he loved me more than just saying it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him either, but I can't keep hurting myself.

Analysis:
I think I've started this already, even in my previous two paragraphs. This is typical of me, always jumping ahead and thinking too quickly as I go. The one thing I am fairly certain of is the fact that in one way or another talking to Matt and approaching him about all of this is the solution or at least first step to a solution to the problem. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet--addressing the situation with him directly. I've avoided it mostly out of fear and just generally not being ready nor being prepared to have that discussion. I've had to do a lot of personal discovery and development to get to this point and I think it's time for me to actually face this before it becomes a permanent chip on my shoulder. I just want to do it in the least problematic manner as possible.

Contemplation:
My disposition. My disposition or personal philosophy and outlook on this situation is that I will survive and I will go on if things don't work out the way that I wish. I will have happiness and I will live my life and I will accomplish things and I will have wonderful people in life. I have a good life and I will continue to have a good life, with or without being close to my brother. However, I'm afraid that  everything unspoken about this and how I feel will eat away at me throughout my life and it will limit me. I don't want that. And I don't want it to turn into resentment or regret. I just want to finally express myself and let the situation at least be recognized. I don't expect it to be fixed or for everything to be as I want and wish it to be, but I want to release it so at least I can heal and be able to move on peacefully regardless of the result. At this point I just want the conversation, not necessarily the resolution.

Equilibrium:
Just in typing this all out I feel more balanced about the situation and I believe as ready as I can be (and definitely more prepared) to actually put this conversation into action. Post-conversation I may have to revisit this process, but this has most certainly proved to be helpful, worthwhile, and what I needed to do before contacting my brother.

So, I guess here it goes. To be continued...

A burst.

Something came over me tonight and I don't know how to explain what happened. Mom mentioned how much we "went through" with Matt and alcohol so its place in his life worries her and I questioned her about it. I admit, I did so more suddenly and aggressively than I meant to. Just something in me clicked and I was talking quicker than my brain could process from where my feelings about her comment and the situation were coming.*

*The damn electricity went out so I didn't have wi-fi when I was typing this. But I'm too lazy to type this all up again so the rest of the blog is in the photo below. Also, I was too lazy to make the photo look nice, so that will have to work.

The Things.

A list of things occupying my mind lately. (In no specific order)

1. AFI and NYFA
2. Summertree
3. Touch-up tattoo & new tattoo
4. jva
5. Insanity
6. Grandma, death, euthanasia
7. Dad. Matt. Distance.
8. Dawson's Creek...
9. Filmmaking, directing, editing, AD, cinematography. Passion. Drive.
10. The Amazing Spider-Man. Comics. Story. Heart.
11. Marc Webb.
12. Dr. Miller.
13. Taylor High School. THS Drama.
14. London. Travel. Europe. New experiences. Places.
15. Finding home. Garden State.
16. Capstone Capstone Capstone.
17. Scholarships.
18. Music. Wheels. Awake, aware, sentient.
19. Friendship. Alone.
20. Inspiration.
21. Wanting to be who I want to be without outside opinion, norms, history as obstacles.
22. Graduation. Looking back.
23. Road trips.
24. Roger Ebert. Happiness. Cinema. Life's arch.

Assortment.

You know those things in life that naturally fill voids and just make the hard things a little easier? I feel disconnected from mine and like some are slipping away. At the same time, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. And those that I can do, I'm too scared to--afraid that it's never the right time, that I'm not ready, or that it will be a mistake in some way and I'll regret it.

I haven't been this doubtful in a long time and I think it's because I'm not in the environment that nurtures me and allows me to thrive and grow. I feel caged here. Every time I come 'home', it's like reverting back to high school and growing up when I was predominantly miserable. Clearly I don't want that, but I also don't know how to overcome it either.

I don't think about or miss Taylor when I'm at NKU because they are both home in their own special way. However, knowing that Taylor is freezing in time and has a foreseeable end being attached to it, I feel as though a bit of me is aching to hold on. It truly is like when someone dies and you go into this panic of fear, knowing that nothing could possibly be the same without it. I know the new will bring so many opportunities to students, teachers, and the community, but it's hard to let go of the one thing that held us all together as a singular common ground--a shared and unified home. We didn't have the best things but by far we had the greatest pride, drive, and heart. I don't want to see that go away or being replaced and taken for granted.

(Note: This was typed late afternoon on Wednesday, May 29th.)

What's next...

As of right now it seems as though I am in a transitioning process between the previous and the next step and time/section/part of my life. It's not yet established what this summer will be like and that is both exciting and intimidating for me.

I'm hoping to have more meditative and reflective time this summer and do things purely for my own serenity. As well, the goal is to finally make a change in my eating and exercising habits in hopes that it will lead to a happier and healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. It will definitely be a "one step at a time" process, but I think I have finally developed enough patience and will power to actually give it all a legitimate try.

My situation with work is in a strange place in my head and heart. I enjoy what I do and the company and I continue to learn a lot from my experiences there. However, a part of me is starting to feel like just a cog in a machine and I still don't quite understand the machine in some ways. I feel out of place at times and more like an inconvenience than an asset.

Between that being in the back of my mind and everything with Grandma, Uptown, Cappies, and Dad, I don't think I'd be handling it all this well if it weren't for Miller's philosophy class. I feel like I'm not going into things as blindly as I would before and I have a better sense of how to respond to the world around me and distinguish between what is reality or necessary versus the perception of it all that my mind tries to make for itself.

And lastly, there is still a great deal of mystery and uncertainty with this new addition to my life. I don't what it means or where it is going. I don't know if I have any control in the matter or not. All I know is that it brings me joy and enthusiasm and evokes parts of me and allows me to express myself in ways I previously doubted anyone give me the chance to.

Therefore, the question of what's next is still dangling in the air, unanswered. And for once, I'm actually okay with that (at the moment).

Winding down with reflection.

I think it is safe to say that I have survived this semester somehow. I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, but I did and I am honestly proud of myself. Starting the semester I knew I was going to be taking on a lot and my mother doubted that I would be able to handle it. I was afraid she would be right, but I believe I've earned the right to say that I proved her wrong. I have done well this semseter in my accomplishments and achievements. I'm grateful to know that I was capable of fulfilling the high demands and responsibilities I took on in the last couple of months. It's a relief to know that I am nearing the end, but I couldn't be happier to be able to say that I did it and that I did it fairly well, too.

Now knowing how much I am capable of and being aware of where my limitations lie, I feel more comfortable and confident moving forward in my life. I've learned so much about how I work, how I want to work, who I am, and who I want to be. I owe so much to this semester for it really has transformed me and my life for the better. Everything is in progress, but it's great knowing that I am making progress, as well, by improving and becoming stronger as a worker and as a human being.

***

I took a break from typing this and in that time period, something just hit me. I wonder when or if the feeling of having to part with certain times and places of my life will go away. As a student, my life events are punctuated by the start of school, moving into my dorm, holiday breaks, end of the semester, finals, etc. etc. Sometimes when I look at older adults, especially my dad or people that have lived a certain lifestyle for years and years, if they enjoy life better that way having the consistency or if it makes life more heartbreaking/hard to part from and move on.