Finding a focus. Finally.

I have always been one to have thoughts constantly spinning around in my head about anything and everything, without any hesitation or breaks. The switch is always on. For the majority of my life it's almost been like noise in my head. It was hard to separate where my mind wandered to what was reality. I think that's why I've been so emotional my whole life, because of dealing with such conflict and contradiction.

I'm not sure why, but I have a greater focus now in my thoughts. Everything is more clear. I think I'm starting to figure things out and it's putting my mind at peace a bit. It has made my communication skills amazingly better.

I'm learning a lot more how to explore and put my thoughts and feelings into words and it means a lot to me to be able to do so. I cherish this blog so much as it helps me put things into perspective and just simply express them in the first place.

Now, I have a strong urge to actually journal more. I think it will help even more, but I feel like I need to do it somewhere other than here. I don't have the time or hand strength to write, so it would still have to be a blog of sorts. I'm just always afraid people will find it somehow and I'll be completely exposed. I like sharing who I am and what I'm about a piece at a time, one person at a time, to ensure I'm ready for that to be known and to ensure I can trust the person I'm telling. I may be becoming more comfortable with expressing things, but I'm still a private person and I don't think that will ever change.

Throwback Thursday (Into Friday)

So as I sit and look through everyone's throwback Thursday pictures from today, I'm realizing that I don't really look back and "miss" the past, necessarily. I don't miss who I was then and I don't really miss that life at all. There are things I wish I had done or said or even thought differently, but there's nothing I can do about that now. There's something really great about moving forward and though I am not completely satisfied at the moment, I am in a work in progress and that's something to enjoy even if it does have struggles along the way.


I've been known to be an impatient and emotional person, but lately I seem to be okay with waiting and being able to accept things and deal with them without becoming mentally or emotionally frustrated. That's been the case, at least, for this past week or so and I'm not sure how long it will last, but I'm hoping it sticks around. I'm trying to learn patience and I think it might be starting to catch on. I had the mental maturity last year and this year I think I'm finally starting to get a grip on my emotional maturity. Things are good and I think they will continue to be as long as I can continue keep this outlook.

I'm afraid that this all might just be temporary positive energy leftover from this weekend, but I want it to be more permanent and withstanding. I really am grateful for this past weekend. Good things do come to those who wait, and I'm finally getting better at waiting. I feel like I've been given an opportunity at the same time, though and I don't want to miss out. Tomorrow is my last day to wait and see what may happen, before I try and take some action, again. In a weird way, I feel less scared lately than I normally am. I wish I knew how I have been able to do so.

(Continued...Now Friday...)

It almost seems like I woke up one day and things were just different. It blows my mind how that happens. It's scary, but really wonderful at the same time. It's weird how feeling more confident and accepting is making me feel more capable of the changes I want to make. I'm going to make those changes happen, one step at a time. I'm not going to rush or be impatient. I will be rational and honest and grateful.

Even though what I was hoping for today didn't work out, I still believe things will find their way around and end up how they're supposed to be. I'm not going to be upset, bitter, or disappointed about it. Instead, I'm continuing to look forward. And that's really all any of us can really do when you think about it. Moments don't really linger except in our minds and hearts, they simply move onto the next and the next and the next.

Stepping into the life you want, even ever so briefly, is immeasurably motivating and I intend to apply it and accomplish what it is I'm searching for.

"Oh no."

I've had a less than stellar last couple of days emotionally and mentally, stuck in a subconscious upset mood. Yesterday slowly improved throughout the day, but it finally got worthwhile when I checked my e-mail. I finally received a response from the Madison Theater about the internship I applied for. I got accepted and they wanted me to be a part of the team! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I honestly thought they had already picked their team since I hadn't heard a response, but it felt incredible seeing I actually got it.

I was proud of myself, and really happy. I'm so incredibly insecure when it comes to so many things, with who I am and my relationships with people that when things like this happen to me I actually feel like maybe I'm not a waste and that I actually do have something worthwhile to offer if people just gave me a chance to prove it.

I told my mom about the internship when I applied and so I figured it would be perfect to call her first. I told her, I got it and the first words to come out of her mouth were, "Oh no." Talk about a slap in the face and a sting in my chest. She couldn't just say congratulations or that she was happy for me first before going into worried Mom mode, asking me if I thought I could actually handle it. I told her fuck you and basically left it there.

Wonder why I'm so insecure? Maybe it's because if my own mother can't believe in me, then who would?

I don't want this.

No wonder it's so difficult for me to trust anyone, when people are consistently letting me down or screwing me over. I've had some really incredibly loyal and caring people in my life but they have been few and far between. I don't want to seclude myself or be anti-social, but too often do I give people a chance and I just end up getting hurt. I know a lot of the time, I let people hurt me and I just take their hits and try to brush them off. But there is only so much I can take before I need to let go and get them out of my life. I've done it before and unfortunately I feel like I need to do it again.

It's always going to hurt knowing that I care about, respect, admire, and am interested in other people and that they don't give a second thought about me.

Typing out all these thoughts and feelings, I realize how negative my outlook is, but I also don't know what there is to be truly happy about.

I miss last semester so much. I feel like I'm losing who I was then and I miss that person. I miss that outlook and I want to get it back.

Monday Philosophy. Tunes, too.

The time has come to stop being such a whiny bitch all the time on here. I annoy the fuck out of myself so much. I mean, everything I say/write is honest and it is a great release for me to be able to express those thoughts and feelings and get them out in the open somehow. But seriously, I need to stop. It doesn't do me any good. People live their lives all the time just going from day to day, moment to moment, with out weaving an intricate web trying to connect it all to one ultimate goal or idea or something.

There are things that I want, but thinking about how greatly I want them has no benefit and it doesn't get me any closer to achieving that. If anything, it's worse because it makes me so wound up. So here is my mantra for the time being: stop giving yourself a mind fuck all the time.

We'll see how this new philosophy pans out. In other news...

New vinyl/CDs have made their way into my life and I'm really happy about it. John Mayer, Say Anything, and Passion Pit--some of my favorites. Other great music that has been released recently: Big Chocolate's Red Headed Locc (fucking incredible) and Cat Power's Sun (currently experiencing my first listen and it's great so far, as one would expect).

Labor Day Weekend: a summary.

Raniero's.
Skins.
Revenge of the Sith.
DHvisit.
Tony.
Rain.
Showboat.
Fireworks.
Pop's. Great conversation.
Monday is a blur...

Can't Shake.

I feel like a subtext of my posts on here has been the same lately. Lately being the past 9 months. I've gone back and forth trying to decide between holding on/being patient/believing in something more and letting go/accepting that it's all in my head/moving on.

I just can't shake the feeling of an almost cosmic connection. I know that sounds ridiculous and makes me seem pathetic. There's constantly signs and moments/circumstances that reassure me and inspire me to trust that with patience, maybe what I want will come to be.

Even with my doubts and insecurities, I know and am certain of exactly what I want. And I honestly think if the chips were to fall in the right places that what I want could be realistically ideal. I don't want to give up on that. I feel foolish and desperate almost for feeling so strongly about this. However, the thought of settling for less than my true desire awful and somewhat shameful to me. I would just be so disappointed in myself. That may not make sense, but I feel like my emotions and convictions never do to anyone other than myself and sometimes I can't even explain/understand them myself.

I really think these signs mean something, I just don't know what their significance is quite yet.
I'm probably just a fool, though.

Observation + a Tangent.

It seems to me that the vast majority of people either have the person they want or the person they need in their life. At the moment, I have neither and haven't for a long time. Or they even have someone that wants or needs them. Pretty sure I don't have one of those either.

Tangent: I had a moment today that really struck me. "Lie in the Sound" by Trespassers William came on in the car today and it was like I was hearing it for the first time. Which was made more unusual by the fact that I had listened to it a couple times the day or two before. But it's been one of my favorite songs for a long time and I listened to it more times than I can count. And yet, today I understood it and was moved by it in a way I never have before. Instead of simply appreciating its meaning, I felt it. It was extremely powerful and gave me chills. Just one of the many, many reasons why I'm in love with music.

I honestly feel like music and film (my passions) are all I have anymore. And while they make me happy, I'm constantly reminded of Chris McCandless's words: happiness is only real when shared. And I need and want to share everything I have so badly with someone.