A lot of things, all in one.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe the past week or so. My moods have been all over the place lately. There's been a lot of stress, but some spontaneous nearly perfect days in between. No surprise that those nearly perfect days were spent with my friends from school. Adam visiting was great, going to Suzanne's was fun, hanging with the gang was a good distraction. Katie's birthday party was a night to remember, too. It's been nice having those moments/nights to make all this stress, responsibility, and fear more bearable. I still feel like something is missing. Honestly, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

I miss the excitement I felt every day not knowing what or who the day would have in store for me. NKU and everyone there always had a way of surprising me and affecting me and my life in ways I didn't expect. Home is the same record over and over again. I've been really bitter and cynical about home, but I had a little reminder of one thing I love about home. Sometimes it's the little things like being able to roll down my windows and listen to music in the warm sunlight--driving along our infamously winding 'country' roads.

There's so much that I want to do and be. It makes me miss the place and the people that made me feel like possibility and opportunity were at my fingertips. In world where people believed in me. Right now I feel like I'm in a world where I'm inadequate and I can't do anything right. I just wish I had someone by my side. Someone to help make everything make sense and help me understand me. Someone that I could devote some of my time and energy to. I have a lot of affection and passion to share and no one to share it with, at least not in the way I need to. And for the past couple of months, that has been really difficult to deal with. It's not easy feeling alone and unwanted/unneeded.

A lot of the confidence I had started to establish in the last couple of months is slowly disappearing. I feel repulsive. My outer appearance doesn't match up with who I am on the inside and that makes me sad and insecure. I just wish I knew what to do about it. I want so badly to lose weight, but I don't know how and when to have the time. I guess I feel insecure about feeling insecure--insecure about needing to lose weight. I know that seems kinda silly. It's just strange how I have such strong convictions and confidence in my opinions and knowledge and heart, but not my appearance or personality. I guess I just want someone to believe I'm good enough so that maybe I will, too. I want to be the girl that doesn't need to change for anyone or even herself, because she is so comfortable and proud of who she is that she doesn't feel the need to. But I'm not. And that's just one more thing for me to hate about myself.

Just like I hate how I have to expose all my deepest thoughts and feelings in this blog instead of to someone because I don't have anyone. Pretty much the only person I feel comfortable truly opening up  to is Racquel, and the opportunity just doesn't come around as often as it used to.

Looks like it's going to be just me, this blog, OTH, and 3 a.m. for a while.