I return.

It's seems that it has been a while since I've posted on here. This is mostly due to the fact of being on Tumblr so often. I tried getting used to opening up on there, where people and my friends can actually read it, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Every time I do post something personal, I either go back and delete it or make it private. I just can't seem to let go and let everything out without constantly worrying about how people are going to interpret it or what they are going to think of me after they read it.

Just in general I've been realizing how focused and worried I am about how others perceive me. One moment I don't give a fuck at all and then the next I'm stressing out regretting something I said or did or didn't say or do. This isn't really something new for me, but it's still rather prevalent at the moment.

I've been pretty insecure lately, especially about this stage management job. I think I got too ahead of myself and I'm not quite ready for this, but there's no opportunity to back out now. I'm stuck. I know it will happen and eventually the whole situation will be over, but it's everything in the meantime that is freaking me out. I know that I'm not ready for this, but I'm hired and there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is try to do the best I can and make the best impression possible, but I feel like I'm barely treading water here. I have the slightest clue how to handle all of this and I'm basically going to be making it up as I go along.

But it's not even so much that I'm afraid of not succeeding. I know I will find a way to get things done, even if it may be a rough way there. It's more so that I'm afraid of what everyone will think of me--the cast, the crew, my boss, my peers. I'm afraid of seeming like a fool, especially when I already feel like one.

I haven't been this terrified in a long time and it's not helping my demeanor any. I've already been extremely on edge since moving back home. I hate being here. I miss school and my friends and my independence. Though, I love my mother to death, she is suffocating and frustrating at times--the rest of the family, as well. We're such different people and it's always chaotic and dissonant whenever we have to deal with each other. No one knows how to truly communicate with each other anymore, and no one has ever known how to open up.

No one in my family understands me. I know every teenager as said that once in their lifetime and probably way more than that, but it doesn't make the statement any less true. They really don't understand me. That's why I miss having people around me that for that most part do. At least then, I can have some peace of mind thanks to their company. Without them, though, all of this stress and responsibility is absolutely miserable.

All in all, I just feel lost right now. But I haven't been able to figure out why.

Tonight I thought of one possibility. I was thinking about Grandpa and how close we were compared to everyone else. And about how highly he thought of me. Then I realized that that explains a lot. All I want is to feel that way again--to be the favorite, be special, mean the most to someone. My entire life I've been struggling between trying to matter and never feeling like I'm good enough. And then there were points in my life where I thought I finally was the favorite, was special, and did mean the most. First with Grandpa, then Racquel, Robbie, Sammy, Taylor, Mr. Raver, Staley, Heisel, etc. But it always seemed to turn out that I wasn't. I lost people or got replaced. I'm sure this makes me sound needy and desperate, but honestly I just want to feel close to someone and not get them and that feeling ripped away from me.

I am independent and I don't need someone 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want someone.

I want work to distract me from all this emotional and personal stuff going on with me right now--feeling alone and missing everyone, and never knowing how to deal with my family. But when work is part of the issue, life gets a lot more complicated, confusing, and stressful.

Once again I have talked myself through a circle, so I suppose I should stop here considering I practically wrote a novel, too.

There's just a lot going on right now and I am completely lost as to how to take care of it all.