When mom and dad stopped being a family, I hoped Matt and I would put the fighting aside and would become one, just the two of us. But now that he will have his own, that's not going to happen. Being denied family unity, makes me want to find unity elsewhere that much more. I know I probably sound like a broken record lately, but seriously. I want to make a life for myself, a family for myself. I just want people to understand and appreciate me for my mind and my heart, and not for the image they have made in their own heads of who my am. I want people in my life that see who I am and that care enough to actually look.
My family doesn't have any clue who I am and I don't know if that is all their 'fault', or if a lot of it is me not letting them know, hiding from them. But really they're clueless, especially Matt. And the lack of effort to change that fact is frustrating.
I'm honestly to the point of giving up on him--giving up on ever knowing him and on him ever knowing me. He and the rest of the family can keep their delusions of life all they want, but I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I just can't handle it. I've evolved so much in the past year that I don't think I can go back to playing the game with them anymore. I'm done being quiet. I'm not going to burst out in tear-filled tantrums like freshman and sophomore year, but I'm not serving to please them. I'm standing my ground with my convictions, passions, and beliefs. And I'm not apologizing for it.
I'm also not entirely sure where all of this is spurring from, but all the time in silence in the booth just begs for the gears in my head to turn and turn and contemplate all of this stuff. I need to figure out how to channel it into something other than an emotionally-charged ranting on the web. But alas, here it is.
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