Assortment.

You know those things in life that naturally fill voids and just make the hard things a little easier? I feel disconnected from mine and like some are slipping away. At the same time, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. And those that I can do, I'm too scared to--afraid that it's never the right time, that I'm not ready, or that it will be a mistake in some way and I'll regret it.

I haven't been this doubtful in a long time and I think it's because I'm not in the environment that nurtures me and allows me to thrive and grow. I feel caged here. Every time I come 'home', it's like reverting back to high school and growing up when I was predominantly miserable. Clearly I don't want that, but I also don't know how to overcome it either.

I don't think about or miss Taylor when I'm at NKU because they are both home in their own special way. However, knowing that Taylor is freezing in time and has a foreseeable end being attached to it, I feel as though a bit of me is aching to hold on. It truly is like when someone dies and you go into this panic of fear, knowing that nothing could possibly be the same without it. I know the new will bring so many opportunities to students, teachers, and the community, but it's hard to let go of the one thing that held us all together as a singular common ground--a shared and unified home. We didn't have the best things but by far we had the greatest pride, drive, and heart. I don't want to see that go away or being replaced and taken for granted.

(Note: This was typed late afternoon on Wednesday, May 29th.)

What's next...

As of right now it seems as though I am in a transitioning process between the previous and the next step and time/section/part of my life. It's not yet established what this summer will be like and that is both exciting and intimidating for me.

I'm hoping to have more meditative and reflective time this summer and do things purely for my own serenity. As well, the goal is to finally make a change in my eating and exercising habits in hopes that it will lead to a happier and healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. It will definitely be a "one step at a time" process, but I think I have finally developed enough patience and will power to actually give it all a legitimate try.

My situation with work is in a strange place in my head and heart. I enjoy what I do and the company and I continue to learn a lot from my experiences there. However, a part of me is starting to feel like just a cog in a machine and I still don't quite understand the machine in some ways. I feel out of place at times and more like an inconvenience than an asset.

Between that being in the back of my mind and everything with Grandma, Uptown, Cappies, and Dad, I don't think I'd be handling it all this well if it weren't for Miller's philosophy class. I feel like I'm not going into things as blindly as I would before and I have a better sense of how to respond to the world around me and distinguish between what is reality or necessary versus the perception of it all that my mind tries to make for itself.

And lastly, there is still a great deal of mystery and uncertainty with this new addition to my life. I don't what it means or where it is going. I don't know if I have any control in the matter or not. All I know is that it brings me joy and enthusiasm and evokes parts of me and allows me to express myself in ways I previously doubted anyone give me the chance to.

Therefore, the question of what's next is still dangling in the air, unanswered. And for once, I'm actually okay with that (at the moment).

Winding down with reflection.

I think it is safe to say that I have survived this semester somehow. I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, but I did and I am honestly proud of myself. Starting the semester I knew I was going to be taking on a lot and my mother doubted that I would be able to handle it. I was afraid she would be right, but I believe I've earned the right to say that I proved her wrong. I have done well this semseter in my accomplishments and achievements. I'm grateful to know that I was capable of fulfilling the high demands and responsibilities I took on in the last couple of months. It's a relief to know that I am nearing the end, but I couldn't be happier to be able to say that I did it and that I did it fairly well, too.

Now knowing how much I am capable of and being aware of where my limitations lie, I feel more comfortable and confident moving forward in my life. I've learned so much about how I work, how I want to work, who I am, and who I want to be. I owe so much to this semester for it really has transformed me and my life for the better. Everything is in progress, but it's great knowing that I am making progress, as well, by improving and becoming stronger as a worker and as a human being.

***

I took a break from typing this and in that time period, something just hit me. I wonder when or if the feeling of having to part with certain times and places of my life will go away. As a student, my life events are punctuated by the start of school, moving into my dorm, holiday breaks, end of the semester, finals, etc. etc. Sometimes when I look at older adults, especially my dad or people that have lived a certain lifestyle for years and years, if they enjoy life better that way having the consistency or if it makes life more heartbreaking/hard to part from and move on.

Some progress. And patience.

I managed to somehow I've been able to find my way through all the stress and bullshit some. I've realized I can't let myself shut down when something isn't going right or I don't get what I want or need. I've been practicing the philosophies I've been realizing lately and it has been very helpful. Philosophy doesn't help my sleeping schedule or lack thereof, but it helps my spirits, which is good.

I think I'm finally learning how to accept things for what they are and not over analyzing things like I tend to do. I still think about things a lot, but I'm not letting my thoughts and my emotions mix as much right now. At least, I don't think...ha.

The next week and a half is going to be insane. And I'm scared, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to remind myself that no matter what all of these things will be survived. I might be stressed, lose sleep, or cry, but it will all come to its own as it should.

That's another significant thing I've learned lately. I've learned that patience really is the greatest virtue. And the more patient, I am the more rewarding and liberating the results are.

I have made progress and am in progress. This journey is coming to its end in the next few weeks and its hard to fathom. Perhaps it's good circumstance that I'm too busy to truly fathom all of that just yet.

Once I'm through this phase, I can finally open myself up to the next phase I've been so looking forward to.

April as a whirlwind.

There is so much going on lately and I feel overwhelmed. I have my ups and downs, but what's weird is that I feel just a constant tension in my body all day and I'm not really sure what there is to do about it. It seems that at this point all I can really do is somehow attempt patience and ride this month out and let what will be, be.

I'm spending so much time trying to keep it all together, be professional, not let my guard down, not let anyone down, especially myself, that I haven't been able to let go and free myself at all. I'm not giving myself the opportunity for catharsis and I really don't know how or when I would do that either. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my responsibilities and my emotional and philosophical well-being.

I want to be responsible, but I want to practice the life I want to live. And I want to explore the connection and relationship I've been developing, but the room for that is slim to none in my life right now, which is frustrating.

As per usual lately Miller has been bringing up and discussing all the right things at the right time in class and it gives me guidance and something to focus on and learn from throughout this process lately.

Nothing is a difficult thing to do. And nothing is what I need to do right now. I have responsibilities, but I need to relinquish my control and my hand in the matters. I can't fix things or make them happen. I can only live and act as I so choose. I must master myself, before things can take their course properly outside of me.

That's an extremely hard thing to practice. I'm getting better at that, though, I believe. I still don't know how to not let my rooted fears affect me so much. I try to find artistic inspiration and expose myself and learn from others' work, but I can't get the thought out of my head of: what if I'm not good enough to create something like that? I think that's my biggest fear with filmmaking right now, is the doubt of me actually having any talent for it. I'm scared to try it and I'm worried that I'm going to find out that I can't do it. I don't know how I'd handle that. Clearly, I'll never know until I try, but still. It's a really intimidating step to take when it's such a significant part of who I am and fuels me as a passion.

Spring is here. And I don't mean the weather.

So spring break ending up surprising me like none other. The bonfire was probably one of the best nights of my life. It was one of those time where--even though things weren't perfect or exactly how I thought they would or would not be--everything felt relevant. Like things happened exactly how they were supposed to. It was enlightening in many ways and I enjoyed have that time to reflect on where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. It showed me how far I've come and how much I've grown and developed into being comfortable and confident in who I am and who I want to be for myself and for others.

I was able to connect with people, which is all I've ever wanted. It was really nice to have people listen to and care about what I have to say and how I feel and what is going on my life. I had no idea, though, how much would result just from that evening.

For once I feel like there is mutual interest between myself and someone who I could honestly fall for and have as a nurturing and comforting/healthy addition to my life. It's nice to have someone who appreciates me and sees something in me and outright puts an effort to make me a part of their life. I don't know if this is just friendship or something more, but either way I am just grateful for the connection and the experience. Though, I'm not going to lie, I would love for this to continue and grow.

Not only do I feel like my personal life is finally starting to find shape in one way or another, but also my creative future and theatre career as well. The only issue I have is that I want so many different opportunities and experiences right now and throughout my years and it's difficult to make all of them happen at once. But after a talk with Brian, I think I feel more confident in that I am actually capable of accomplishing what I want to do creatively.

I am not completely satisfied with everything and I'm not necessarily elated or anything like that, but I am okay. And by okay, I mean I am accepting what I have been given and I'm grateful for the possibilities and learning to trust in that what will be will be and to enjoy the ride and see every part of it as necessary and something to expand, improve, or reflect on.

I feel like I'm in the right place. I don't know where exactly I'm going, but I trust this path.

The start of Spring Break.

Friday's lovely weather. High school friends. Taylor Drama. The realization that theatre is a powerful means for learning and bringing people together. Skyline. Old times at Emily's. Saturday's also beautiful weather. An incredibly magical and wonderful movie. Phenomenal food. Work craziness. More work craziness. Do not resuscitate. Philosophy, religion, spirituality with Mama. Trip to Taylor and Raver/Kohrs. Perks with the best friend. I don't know if I've ever been able to reflect on the past, present, and future so incredibly throughout a movie before. Ending with Friends. Always concerned about the future and where I'm supposed to be and going.