The Irony of People.

It's kinda strange how the more people I meet here at school, the more social events I attend, the more I make an effort to spend time with other people here, the more I feel alone. The more I feel unaccepted. Unwanted. Misunderstood. I feel like a side thought. Some people make friends so instantaneously and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm a friendly person, fairly funny, easy to get along with, intelligent, understanding, honest. And yet, no one seems to notice my existence without an introduction. And even once I have that, they forget all about me.

Consistently, I get the question: "Why don't you talk more?" or "Why don't you talk to people?" or "Why are you so quiet?"

And all I want to say is, what is wrong with being quiet? What is wrong with silence? Silence can be a beautiful thing. Why can't a person walk with a group of people and be silent for a few moments, why must every single person be making conversation with another person for that person to be socializing? Part of socializing is listening. I listen to people. That's how I get to know them, to understand them. I'm perfectly content with that. And if I have something to say I will say it, but I don't just constantly try and think of things to say, simply to make conversation. I speak with purpose. And the funny thing is, I get ask why I don't talk more, but half the time when I do, no one listens.

I can't win.

I mean, I know that boisterous and witty and lively people are fun to be around. They make you happy and make situations and events fun just by being there. They're energy and personality permeates to anyone and everything in its environment, and sometimes I can be that person, but not all the time. And I'm not going to change who I am, just to make friends. I just wish someone here would accept me for that and reach out and understand.

I want to show people I have my 'fun' and lively side in me, too. But I never really get the chance and that's difficult for me to deal with right now.

Letting go of expectations.

This is the biggest struggle I have in my life, I think. Whether the expectations I am trying to adhere to are my own or someone else's or society's, I just need to let them go. I focus so much on making sure I obtain my goal, that I do as I expect myself to do, as I believe others expect me to do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to impress or succeed. Sometimes expectations can be great, especially when they are exceeded. But they are so stressful, incredibly stifling. That's the best word I can use to describe it--stifling.

I feel as though I'm forcing myself to be something that I'm not, or that I'm not meant to be by trying to meet this expectations. I think that what I need to do is to accept the fact that all I have control over is the current moment. I have no control whatsoever over the results. All I can do is my best. All I can do is stay true to myself. All I can do is put in my best effort. All I can do is live. And I need to stop weighing myself down with worrying that things won't go the way I plan, the way that I expect them to.

I need to let go and just let fate and life take its course. Whatever part I have in that, I don't know, but I do have a part. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

In response to myself...

I just looked back at my most recent post before this one and read it over again. I really do hate how I sound when I get in those moods. I feel like when I write stuff like that that I come off as weak and selfish and just plain whiny sometimes. It's just a very frustrating situation. Frustrating and conflicting.

I have done so well the past couple of months to turn my attitude and mind set around. To keep it positive and my mood and disposition peaceful. I have handled things as need be, with a rational and level head. I feel as though I have made a lot of improvement in controlling and handling my emotions and making sure they don't run away with all my crazy thoughts. But sometimes there's just some random stupid shit that happens that just makes it really difficult to keep those things up. Even something tragic and heartbreaking would be easier to deal with in a sense than just stupid, insignificant...shit. I attempt to create and peaceful and personally functional lifestyle for myself. And then meanwhile, the outside world is stuck in immaturity, selfishness, and frivolity. People are really the main distraction for me. And when those people who are ruining your environment are some of your close friends, well, that right there is very hard to deal with.

I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm tired and emotional and probably the best thing for me is sleep right now and not documentation of my thoughts. Adieu.

In a funk.

It seems like every streak of optimism I have has some sort of downside with it. I feel on the verge of a funk. I'm happy with school and I think everything that is happening is happening for a reason and so far it has all given me a reason to be hopeful. Just everything with my friends seems to be a mess right now. It's like, if I don't make the effort to stay in touch, no one talks to me. It makes me wonder if my friends even think of me at all, or miss me at all.

I feel really lonely, I guess. But I mean, it's not the same as when I would get lonely before. At least now I have my own goals to focus on and my own path to keep me from dwelling and getting depressed, but I really do miss people. I miss my Grandpa. I miss my mom and my brother. I miss my teachers, my best friends. I miss the people I grew up with, the people that know me. It's comforting having people around you that know who you are, the type of person and your personality. I just feel like I don't have that anymore. I think that's part of what makes my rekindled friendship so special to me. Because I know that she knows me. I don't have the pressure of needing to socialize or make a good impression. I can just be myself.

I do have the pressure on me right now, though, to stay focused, keep up with my studies, make sure I stay on the right direction to where I want to go and perform well. These acting and math classes make me nervous. I'm trying not to stress out, but it's difficult. I just want to keep my emotions in tact and prevent any potential break downs as much as possible. I really need movies and music and my readings to keep me grounded.

Maybe change is good. (?)

As per usual, my promises of continuing end up not ringing true. I have good intentions, I swear, but like anything else, life has a way of interrupting or delaying. The busy week/weekend of moving into my dorm and becoming accustomed was the culprit this time around. So much has happened in such a short amount of time here already. It's weird how, over night your world is completely different. For me, this change has actually been a good one. Though, I use 'good' in lack of a better word. The last couple of times that I have woken up to my life being different and altered, it has usually not been under good circumstances, but thankfully I can say that this time is different. This time I can say that I think this change is taking me in a brighter and hopefully more fulfilling direction than I had originally expected. I really do believe that I will grow from my experience here, both in class and out of it. I feel like in some ways I already have even.

The most surprising and unexpected experience I have had is to reconnect with an old friend, the one I thought I lost in December. It's quite strange how time does heal. I mean, clearly time doesn't make you forget all the wrongs done or difficult times you have had, but it gives you a sense of clarity and motivation to move forward and onward, without looking back. I reunite with this friend, not looking back on what has happened with us, but looking forward at the possibilities that our acquaintence or friendship has in store for us. I'm happy to have a second chance. Both with this person and just in general with me and my life. And in many ways, it's a first chance. A starting point, a launch pad, if you will. Something is beginning here and as the next days and weeks and months go on, I'm excited and interested to see how the middle and end of this journey unfold.

I know this all seems airy and broad and maybe even overly positive, but I do have this strange sense of positivity or acceptance, or something that is keeping my spirit alive and functioning. I don't know, I don't think those are quite the appropriate words to describe my state of emotions and mindset, but I will think on it more and hopefully find the right words to depict it. Until then...

The Beginning of the End...

"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you." -Maori Proverb

I am loving this quote right now. It is giving me a lot of hope and courage right now, at a time when I need it the most. All these life changes are a lot to deal with and this saying is giving me some positive perspective. Unfortunately, I haven't written much this past week, like I had hoped, too, especially since I feel like there is so much to talk about and expose. I'll follow the example of Fraulein Maria and start at the very beginning, of the week at least.

Sunday, I met up with my brother for lunch at Panera. We met at the one in Clifton. I won't go into full narration, but I will say that it was one of the best two hours of my life. My whole life I have wanted to feel close to my brother, to have a bond with him. I know it was just a lunch, but I feel like for the first time he actually really opened up to me and talked to me seriously and honestly, like an equal. A few years ago, I would have thought that that was impossible. That it was impossible for us to even say full sentences to each other, let alone talk about our thoughts, emotions, fears, our future, our family. It was a small step, but it was one I never expected and one that I am extremely thankful for. Maybe I will get that close relationship that I've always wanted. It just may take some time. Knowing now that it's at least possible is what's going to make that wait bearable.

The night before was interesting and eye-opening as well. A bunch of us came together to have a surprise party for Justin to say goodbye before he leaves for Colorado. It was a lot of fun-- chill, talking and just hanging out, enjoying each other's company. But it was also a turning point. That was when it hit most of us that we are all moving down our separate paths and that they may not converge in the future. The impending separation and closure of one of the most pivotal and enjoyable time of our lives is definitely a bitch to deal with and handle. It's taking a lot out of us all. I feel like Taylor kids have it worse than most high school students. Our school is like a family, or at least our graduating class is. We've been together from start to finish and we have become integral parts of the others in more ways than one. We're saying goodbye to friends and we're saying goodbye to parts of ourselves, our childhood, our innocence, etc. We're growing up and that's scary. The opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead are exciting, but the experience in itself is extremely intimidating.

Not only was it sad saying goodbye to the people there, but it also made me think that I wish I took more chances with them. That I risked talking to them, risked making more of an effort to be friends. Instead of worrying about saying something stupid or offending someone and being embarrassed and uncomfortable I could have been making more and better friendships. I've let my insecurities come between myself and some amazing possibilities and that's the one reason I am happy to start over. That's the one thing I would change and would like to correct for myself in the future. My future.

That's also an intriguing concept to consider. That this separation is allowing for us, as individuals, to have our own personal journey and life experience. That is a truly beautiful thing. One that needs to be appreciated.

Now that I have successfully ranted thoroughly with my tangent, back to the original schedule. Monday.

I don't remember what I did Monday. So...moving on.

Tuesday. I had lunch with my dad. I wanted to get somethings for my dorm from the Enriching Spaces store. I found some neat things, including a Buddha, which I adore. We also went to lunch at Panera, but this conversation was not so wonderful and inspiring as the one I had with my brother. It was quite frustrating actually. Honestly, a lot of things with my father have been frustrating lately. He has such a hands-off role in my and Matt's life and I don't know why, but I'm becoming blatantly aware of it lately and I hate it. I just worry about our future relationship, and it pains me to say that, but it's true.

I have been interrupted in writing this, so I would like to stop here and then continue later about the week's events and happenings. I can't believe I've written this much even. Maybe I really could rant enough to write a book.

The way most things do.

You know what I really can't stand? Narcissism. And it really bothers me when people can't seem to keep their word. They say they will or will not do a certain thing, treat someone a certain way, say something, or even feel specifically and then they turn around and do or say the same thing they just declared they wouldn't. It's not quite hypocrisy that I'm talking about. It just seems to be more of the person's weakness in sticking to their word and their say. They say they don't want to give a certain impression and then act in such a way that does that exact thing. How do they not realize what they are doing? I don't understand.


I wish I could find a focus for all these thoughts and anazlyzations of people. They come and I just can't stop thinking about them. It can get frustrating and even emotional, thinking so much. Especially exhausting. I don't really know if any of it means anything or if it actually has a point. It kinda all ends up in rambles and confusion when it comes from my brain.


I wish I could just channel and control my emotions and thoughts in general. Maybe life wouldn't be as confusing and things wouldn't be as difficult for me to deal with. Like college, for example. I just don't know how to feel about this upcoming event. I mean, I'm moving into a new life. That's really really REALLY scary. I've been through this whole dilemma on here before, but it's just something I can't really escape from. And mom isn't helping. She's actually really suffocating lately.


It's times like these that I wish that my brother was available to rant and just open up and talk with. I feel like he's the only one that truly understands what our family and parents are like. I think he would be able to help me and talk me through all of this and give me useful advice, I just don't think he ever would. The trouble would be to get him to actually talk to me about stuff. That's the road block every time, though.


I kinda give up in actually having a direct say in what happens in my future. It all seems to take it's own course, no matter what my wants or expectations are. The future is just gonna do whatever it likes with my life and I have to deal with it. It's just really frightening to let go like that.


I really don't know why I started writing this blog tonight, or where any of these thoughts came from, or what purpose I tried to serve by saying all of this but here it is. Maybe it'll make more sense later, in retrospect. The way most things do.