Holy Howl

I am so indescribably moved by the film Howl. Certainly some of the best 84 minutes I've ever spent.
There's such a fluidity and honesty and artfulness to it. Probably the first time I have ever seen a film be able to bring a poet and poetry in general alive. The imagery and the composition of the script is beautiful. I found myself crying just from the sheer feeling and emotion it brought to me.

This is exactly why I want to make films--why I need to make films. That's the only way I would know how to truly express myself. I'm not good with words. I'm visual and I can't wait to finally be able to explore that.

That's a goal for after Furbelow. I must truly devote time to that art. I really do need that for my own well-being and sake of exploration.

Feeling inspired is good.

Down right now.

Why am I so utterly insignificant to people? Why am I so utterly insignificant to myself?

What should I do? I'm at a loss here. I don't know.

I give. They take.

Sometimes it really sucks giving your all for people and realizing that they probably and usually don't do the same for you. I make a lot of sacrifices for people and go out of my way to help them a lot and  yet I need one favor and that is too much for them. It goes back to the fact that I feel like I will end up and always have ended up having to handle everything on my own, by myself, alone. As always.

I know I will never stop helping people when they need it. I will always put others before myself and  that may sound boastful, but it's just a habit I can't seem to break, to a fault really. And I like being there for people and being able to give and provide and find a way to ease their stress, struggle, or to make them happy. But I don't think it's outrageous for me to like to have the same in return every once in a while.

I'm really stuck right now and I'd appreciate if my friends could come through for me. I have a feeling, though, that this will be yet another time where I have to fix everything on my own.

My mental-emotional rhythms lately:

A crack.

It's kinda strange how so much can be going on and nothing can be going on in my life in the same time. My days are filled with duties and responsibilities. I make it through and I do the best I can. The whole time though I'm thinking about so much of what I the future to hold and about everything I hope to accomplish and do. I have ideas and I want to create them.

I'm really alone lately, but for the most part I've been okay with that for once. I'm in the mood a lot to just be in my own world and head, so I guess it's a good thing. The only problem has been that if I have to deal with people outside that world, my family mostly, I crack under pressure, frustration, something. I wish I wanted them to be a part of my life. I mean, ideally I do. But I know it would never work unless they actually payed attention and cared about anything but themselves for once. If they actually knew how to be there for me. I just wish they knew the meaning of things instead of just..things.

A conversation in philosophy class basically shattered me. I had thought about it all before, but the way that Miller discussed it all, I just saw things differently than I have until now. Or maybe not seen it differently, but actually believed in and accepted it instead of just thinking about it as speculation. Divorce was the topic. He mentioned how kids that watch their parents divorce are intensely affected by it, even it they don't know it. And I've heard that statement/idea before and I've thought about it before, but for some reason when he said it I felt like he was talking to me and it just hit me: how have I been affected? How badly?

I've always said it was the right thing. That it needed to happen and that if it didn't happen, Matt and I and mom and dad would be worse off. And I still believe that. But I also think that maybe I will never be able to love someone as a partner because I've never known that affection. I never saw my parents with it, so isn't it impossible that I'll ever be able to know? And I find myself being bitter that they affected me in this way; I am forced into acting and feeling and living a certain way because of it. At least, I don't know how to break free of it.

I mean, I don't trust my family's love, so how can I trust anyone's? I have a feeling that the closest thing I'll have to mutual love and nurturing will be through my relationship with film and art, as strange as that may sound. Nothing else has given as much as, if not more than, what it takes from me.

My birthday is coming up and it just reminds me that it's been yet another year of nothing changing as far as my family is concerned. We are so far apart and I don't ever see us getting closer. I'm giving up hope with that.

I'm not sure where this is going or why this is going. I just finally needed to get some of this out--purge myself some so I can focus on my homework, responsibilities, etc.

Philosophy Journal 1.

What's difficult about deciding what exactly is important in life or to oneself as a person is that one becomes restricted by the mere definition of 'important'. It's hard to find clarity when deciding on an answer because not only is there a definition  for important, but also connotations and assumptions that typically go along with it.

When I was little, I thought that making sure I did things the way people wanted me to, that I liked the same things as others, and that I matched up to what people wanted and expected of me was important. I looked up to adults both literally and figuratively and I would have done anything to be just like them. Throughout growing up, as I learned more about what was important to other people I slowly started realizing when I agreed with them and when I did not. Therefore, by realizing I didn't believe what they did I started to develop my own belief system and way of viewing the world and myself.

What's most important to me now is honesty/clarity, purpose, compassion, communication, empathy, and simply the act of trying no matter what circumstance or condition one is found it. I strive to see things as they are and appreciate them as they are whether they be good, bad, ugly, complicated, simple, or whatever. I think everyone should strive to find some purpose, I have a hard time explaining what that means to me or how I understand that in my mind, but it's just something I feel aware and conscious of in myself as important or vital. I think compassion toward yourself and to others is important always. If more people could understand compassion and the personal sacrifice that comes with it I think we would be less concerned with menial societal stigmas. Through compassion, I try to understand the feelings, thoughts, and lives of others through empathy as much as possible. I think it brings humility to us as people.

Why are these things important? How do I know? I really don't know. The only thing I can be sure of is my existence. Therefore everything I experience and encounter, I relate to myself. Through my experiences I have come to these conclusions and they 'feel' right to me and make sense and have allowed me to make sense of myself and my surroundings, so I am grateful for them. So, yes, they are important because I think so. No one can bring the verdict of if they really are, though, because no one is truly objective. Which, I feel is sadly why so many look to religions and other people or deities to give them some form of verification of their actions and beliefs instead of trusting in themselves, rather than everyone else's.

Anywhere but here. Anyone but Me.

I'm doing everything possible in my capabilities and power to make sure that I earn and get the life that I want. The life with the people who listen to me, care for me, support me, and know me. I'm so done with this "family" and the town that we live in. I can't shake the feeling that I'm meant to do and be more than this place's standard and that's what I want.

That's the goal. Hopefully, this second semester will just bring me another step closer to fulfilling that.