Missing something.

All I want is to feel like I'm a part of something. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything right now. I feel disconnected and unwanted. I'm present in places, but I'm not welcomed. No one chooses me.

I know I have a really defeatist attitude, but I just take what I see and make conclusions from there. I watch people and they connect so easily and spend so much time together, but it never works out for me like that.

I guess, I just look for a real friendship right away and other people know how to socialize and have fun. I don't know how to do that the way others do. I wish I did. I really do care for and respect people and I want to be a part of their lives. I want to learn how to connect with them, but at the same time I'm afraid that they don't want me around or even like me.

I feel so small.

"The Only Thing Constant is Change" and "I'm in Need of Stimulation"

You know, you really can't be sure of anything but change. That is the only constant in this turbulent world of ours. Change can bring a person so much growth and joy, but it also rips them of that as well, at times.

I'm not entirely sure why things happen when they do, but I know that there is a reason. But it seems to me that in my life all the things that have happened to me have had a reason. It's just that those reasons seems to change or having different meaning everyday.

I mean, originally I thought that a certain person came back into my life as a sign that I had finally overcome my struggle, and showed me that I had found forgiveness and was finally ready to move. I saw it as a second chance. I saw it as a new hope to a previously dark situation. But now, I'm beginning to think something else was going on.

I feel more so now that it was a test. That the reappearance of this person in my life was to show me what it would be like if my "wish" for a rekindled friendship was granted. This situation has proven to me that nothing has changed with this person. And this is one time where the lack of change is not good. It's quite disappointing actually. However, on the positive side, I now know completely the end to that story. The end to that part of my life.

I had some amazing memories from that time--memories of finally beginning to find myself. I will never regret that time. I just wish that I could have held the good times through to the future and now, the present. But instead, I had to grow more from my loss. I'm thankful for finding this 'new' part of myself. This part that has struggled and hurt and survived that has become a stronger and more confident person because of it.

I've been thinking about this for a while and just wanted to get it out. I'm not emotional right now, simply complacent. A little nostalgic, but not emotional, which is an improvement.

I do wish, though, for an incredible experience. An inspiring one. I feel like a need stimulation right now and that just might satisfy that need, I would think. We'll see what the week has in store.

The Irony of People.

It's kinda strange how the more people I meet here at school, the more social events I attend, the more I make an effort to spend time with other people here, the more I feel alone. The more I feel unaccepted. Unwanted. Misunderstood. I feel like a side thought. Some people make friends so instantaneously and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm a friendly person, fairly funny, easy to get along with, intelligent, understanding, honest. And yet, no one seems to notice my existence without an introduction. And even once I have that, they forget all about me.

Consistently, I get the question: "Why don't you talk more?" or "Why don't you talk to people?" or "Why are you so quiet?"

And all I want to say is, what is wrong with being quiet? What is wrong with silence? Silence can be a beautiful thing. Why can't a person walk with a group of people and be silent for a few moments, why must every single person be making conversation with another person for that person to be socializing? Part of socializing is listening. I listen to people. That's how I get to know them, to understand them. I'm perfectly content with that. And if I have something to say I will say it, but I don't just constantly try and think of things to say, simply to make conversation. I speak with purpose. And the funny thing is, I get ask why I don't talk more, but half the time when I do, no one listens.

I can't win.

I mean, I know that boisterous and witty and lively people are fun to be around. They make you happy and make situations and events fun just by being there. They're energy and personality permeates to anyone and everything in its environment, and sometimes I can be that person, but not all the time. And I'm not going to change who I am, just to make friends. I just wish someone here would accept me for that and reach out and understand.

I want to show people I have my 'fun' and lively side in me, too. But I never really get the chance and that's difficult for me to deal with right now.

Letting go of expectations.

This is the biggest struggle I have in my life, I think. Whether the expectations I am trying to adhere to are my own or someone else's or society's, I just need to let them go. I focus so much on making sure I obtain my goal, that I do as I expect myself to do, as I believe others expect me to do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to impress or succeed. Sometimes expectations can be great, especially when they are exceeded. But they are so stressful, incredibly stifling. That's the best word I can use to describe it--stifling.

I feel as though I'm forcing myself to be something that I'm not, or that I'm not meant to be by trying to meet this expectations. I think that what I need to do is to accept the fact that all I have control over is the current moment. I have no control whatsoever over the results. All I can do is my best. All I can do is stay true to myself. All I can do is put in my best effort. All I can do is live. And I need to stop weighing myself down with worrying that things won't go the way I plan, the way that I expect them to.

I need to let go and just let fate and life take its course. Whatever part I have in that, I don't know, but I do have a part. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

In response to myself...

I just looked back at my most recent post before this one and read it over again. I really do hate how I sound when I get in those moods. I feel like when I write stuff like that that I come off as weak and selfish and just plain whiny sometimes. It's just a very frustrating situation. Frustrating and conflicting.

I have done so well the past couple of months to turn my attitude and mind set around. To keep it positive and my mood and disposition peaceful. I have handled things as need be, with a rational and level head. I feel as though I have made a lot of improvement in controlling and handling my emotions and making sure they don't run away with all my crazy thoughts. But sometimes there's just some random stupid shit that happens that just makes it really difficult to keep those things up. Even something tragic and heartbreaking would be easier to deal with in a sense than just stupid, insignificant...shit. I attempt to create and peaceful and personally functional lifestyle for myself. And then meanwhile, the outside world is stuck in immaturity, selfishness, and frivolity. People are really the main distraction for me. And when those people who are ruining your environment are some of your close friends, well, that right there is very hard to deal with.

I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm tired and emotional and probably the best thing for me is sleep right now and not documentation of my thoughts. Adieu.

In a funk.

It seems like every streak of optimism I have has some sort of downside with it. I feel on the verge of a funk. I'm happy with school and I think everything that is happening is happening for a reason and so far it has all given me a reason to be hopeful. Just everything with my friends seems to be a mess right now. It's like, if I don't make the effort to stay in touch, no one talks to me. It makes me wonder if my friends even think of me at all, or miss me at all.

I feel really lonely, I guess. But I mean, it's not the same as when I would get lonely before. At least now I have my own goals to focus on and my own path to keep me from dwelling and getting depressed, but I really do miss people. I miss my Grandpa. I miss my mom and my brother. I miss my teachers, my best friends. I miss the people I grew up with, the people that know me. It's comforting having people around you that know who you are, the type of person and your personality. I just feel like I don't have that anymore. I think that's part of what makes my rekindled friendship so special to me. Because I know that she knows me. I don't have the pressure of needing to socialize or make a good impression. I can just be myself.

I do have the pressure on me right now, though, to stay focused, keep up with my studies, make sure I stay on the right direction to where I want to go and perform well. These acting and math classes make me nervous. I'm trying not to stress out, but it's difficult. I just want to keep my emotions in tact and prevent any potential break downs as much as possible. I really need movies and music and my readings to keep me grounded.

Maybe change is good. (?)

As per usual, my promises of continuing end up not ringing true. I have good intentions, I swear, but like anything else, life has a way of interrupting or delaying. The busy week/weekend of moving into my dorm and becoming accustomed was the culprit this time around. So much has happened in such a short amount of time here already. It's weird how, over night your world is completely different. For me, this change has actually been a good one. Though, I use 'good' in lack of a better word. The last couple of times that I have woken up to my life being different and altered, it has usually not been under good circumstances, but thankfully I can say that this time is different. This time I can say that I think this change is taking me in a brighter and hopefully more fulfilling direction than I had originally expected. I really do believe that I will grow from my experience here, both in class and out of it. I feel like in some ways I already have even.

The most surprising and unexpected experience I have had is to reconnect with an old friend, the one I thought I lost in December. It's quite strange how time does heal. I mean, clearly time doesn't make you forget all the wrongs done or difficult times you have had, but it gives you a sense of clarity and motivation to move forward and onward, without looking back. I reunite with this friend, not looking back on what has happened with us, but looking forward at the possibilities that our acquaintence or friendship has in store for us. I'm happy to have a second chance. Both with this person and just in general with me and my life. And in many ways, it's a first chance. A starting point, a launch pad, if you will. Something is beginning here and as the next days and weeks and months go on, I'm excited and interested to see how the middle and end of this journey unfold.

I know this all seems airy and broad and maybe even overly positive, but I do have this strange sense of positivity or acceptance, or something that is keeping my spirit alive and functioning. I don't know, I don't think those are quite the appropriate words to describe my state of emotions and mindset, but I will think on it more and hopefully find the right words to depict it. Until then...