The Beginning of the End...

"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you." -Maori Proverb

I am loving this quote right now. It is giving me a lot of hope and courage right now, at a time when I need it the most. All these life changes are a lot to deal with and this saying is giving me some positive perspective. Unfortunately, I haven't written much this past week, like I had hoped, too, especially since I feel like there is so much to talk about and expose. I'll follow the example of Fraulein Maria and start at the very beginning, of the week at least.

Sunday, I met up with my brother for lunch at Panera. We met at the one in Clifton. I won't go into full narration, but I will say that it was one of the best two hours of my life. My whole life I have wanted to feel close to my brother, to have a bond with him. I know it was just a lunch, but I feel like for the first time he actually really opened up to me and talked to me seriously and honestly, like an equal. A few years ago, I would have thought that that was impossible. That it was impossible for us to even say full sentences to each other, let alone talk about our thoughts, emotions, fears, our future, our family. It was a small step, but it was one I never expected and one that I am extremely thankful for. Maybe I will get that close relationship that I've always wanted. It just may take some time. Knowing now that it's at least possible is what's going to make that wait bearable.

The night before was interesting and eye-opening as well. A bunch of us came together to have a surprise party for Justin to say goodbye before he leaves for Colorado. It was a lot of fun-- chill, talking and just hanging out, enjoying each other's company. But it was also a turning point. That was when it hit most of us that we are all moving down our separate paths and that they may not converge in the future. The impending separation and closure of one of the most pivotal and enjoyable time of our lives is definitely a bitch to deal with and handle. It's taking a lot out of us all. I feel like Taylor kids have it worse than most high school students. Our school is like a family, or at least our graduating class is. We've been together from start to finish and we have become integral parts of the others in more ways than one. We're saying goodbye to friends and we're saying goodbye to parts of ourselves, our childhood, our innocence, etc. We're growing up and that's scary. The opportunities and possibilities that lay ahead are exciting, but the experience in itself is extremely intimidating.

Not only was it sad saying goodbye to the people there, but it also made me think that I wish I took more chances with them. That I risked talking to them, risked making more of an effort to be friends. Instead of worrying about saying something stupid or offending someone and being embarrassed and uncomfortable I could have been making more and better friendships. I've let my insecurities come between myself and some amazing possibilities and that's the one reason I am happy to start over. That's the one thing I would change and would like to correct for myself in the future. My future.

That's also an intriguing concept to consider. That this separation is allowing for us, as individuals, to have our own personal journey and life experience. That is a truly beautiful thing. One that needs to be appreciated.

Now that I have successfully ranted thoroughly with my tangent, back to the original schedule. Monday.

I don't remember what I did Monday. So...moving on.

Tuesday. I had lunch with my dad. I wanted to get somethings for my dorm from the Enriching Spaces store. I found some neat things, including a Buddha, which I adore. We also went to lunch at Panera, but this conversation was not so wonderful and inspiring as the one I had with my brother. It was quite frustrating actually. Honestly, a lot of things with my father have been frustrating lately. He has such a hands-off role in my and Matt's life and I don't know why, but I'm becoming blatantly aware of it lately and I hate it. I just worry about our future relationship, and it pains me to say that, but it's true.

I have been interrupted in writing this, so I would like to stop here and then continue later about the week's events and happenings. I can't believe I've written this much even. Maybe I really could rant enough to write a book.

The way most things do.

You know what I really can't stand? Narcissism. And it really bothers me when people can't seem to keep their word. They say they will or will not do a certain thing, treat someone a certain way, say something, or even feel specifically and then they turn around and do or say the same thing they just declared they wouldn't. It's not quite hypocrisy that I'm talking about. It just seems to be more of the person's weakness in sticking to their word and their say. They say they don't want to give a certain impression and then act in such a way that does that exact thing. How do they not realize what they are doing? I don't understand.


I wish I could find a focus for all these thoughts and anazlyzations of people. They come and I just can't stop thinking about them. It can get frustrating and even emotional, thinking so much. Especially exhausting. I don't really know if any of it means anything or if it actually has a point. It kinda all ends up in rambles and confusion when it comes from my brain.


I wish I could just channel and control my emotions and thoughts in general. Maybe life wouldn't be as confusing and things wouldn't be as difficult for me to deal with. Like college, for example. I just don't know how to feel about this upcoming event. I mean, I'm moving into a new life. That's really really REALLY scary. I've been through this whole dilemma on here before, but it's just something I can't really escape from. And mom isn't helping. She's actually really suffocating lately.


It's times like these that I wish that my brother was available to rant and just open up and talk with. I feel like he's the only one that truly understands what our family and parents are like. I think he would be able to help me and talk me through all of this and give me useful advice, I just don't think he ever would. The trouble would be to get him to actually talk to me about stuff. That's the road block every time, though.


I kinda give up in actually having a direct say in what happens in my future. It all seems to take it's own course, no matter what my wants or expectations are. The future is just gonna do whatever it likes with my life and I have to deal with it. It's just really frightening to let go like that.


I really don't know why I started writing this blog tonight, or where any of these thoughts came from, or what purpose I tried to serve by saying all of this but here it is. Maybe it'll make more sense later, in retrospect. The way most things do.

Unexpected turn of events.

This whole CYPT situation has been an interesting, unusual, and surprising experience. Today was the last day of performances. Two in one day. Crazy, but actually a lot of fun. And not only did I enjoy today, but I also felt somewhat sad. Sad for the show to be over, even sad to be leaving these people. The latter was definitely not something I anticipated. I guess, somewhere between all my complaining and frustration and fear, I actually became attached to this program. I found myself even having feelings of excitement for next summer, to come back and be a part of this all over again. I mean, maybe if I do it again, I can become closer to these people, or at least more comfortable and ergo, have an even more enjoyable time.

I'm strangely thankful and happy with my time spent in this program. It's not like THS Drama, and I don't think anything I am a part of will ever feel that wonderful and dear to me, but I appreciate this experience so much more than I thought I would. I'm so amazed by this circumstance.

Even though I am more fond of CYPT than I used to be, I still don't feel quite accepted by the group of people, yet. I am more accepting of them, but I don't think they see me as a part of their family, yet. But maybe next year they will. We'll see what next summer brings.

A little bit of bitch. A little bit of whine. And some hurt, too.

I know I shouldn't be upset about this, but I am. And honestly, I feel like I do have a right to be because it sucks. You know, it's really awful when someone you've been close with for years, suddenly puts people they didn't use to like/people they barely talk to and hang out/people that don't give a shit about them over you. One of the people that was there for them and always supported them. It really sucks feeling like you don't matter to the people you care about.

What's even worse is when your closest friend is picked over you. And when they are insensitive enough to not realize the shitty-ness of the situation. When they don't realize how you've just been screwed over. They shrug it off like it means nothing, when it definitely means something. Especially to you.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up and believing that I actually mean something to people. I'm tired of being either a second thought, or not a thought at all. Am I ever going to be able to have the friends around me that I want? Or is that just too much to ask? I know I shouldn't whine and complain like this, but sometimes it's really difficult not to.

I just want them to care like I do.

Trusting my instincts.

My insticnt told me that I could trust him, told me that he was a rare and good person. It told me that we were good friends, that we understood each other, we shared common interest, common belief and emotion. My insticnt told me that we would always be good to one another.

That insticnt was tested, and I'm sorry to say that I doubted it. But now, I know that what I believed him to be was true and real. And that's really all that matters. I'm glad to know that the person I thought he was, is who he is. I'm glad to know I can still trust him and that that one comfort to me hasn't changed.

Why is this important to me? Because my belief in people is all I really have. My belief in their goodness, honesty, and integrity means the world to me. Character is all we have. And I never what to think someone to be something that they're not, especially unjustly. And even more especially when they are someone I care about. The people that tried to make me doubt and judge, I am now wary of.

My lesson through all of this has been that sometimes it's not about finding the truth, but more so my truth. The truth gets blurred with others' beliefs and interpretations too often. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but I feel very relieved knowing that I wasn't wrong. That seems arrogant, but after everything I went through, doubting myself so greatly again would be awful.

Late night blurbs.

I'm surprised I didn't discuss orientation since arriving home from it. Definitely an interesting experience. It was something I was very nervous about, but surprisingly it did make me feel more confident about next year and just my college future in general. I'm hoping that making friends and moving on won't be as difficult as I originally thought. And I think for the first time, while I was there, I realized that from this point on I can be whoever I want to be. I can pull a clean slate. All those little things about myself that I always wished I could change. I can change that. I can be more open, less open. Make jokes more often, do whatever. These 'new' people won't know the difference. I mean, of course I'm not going to change the things that matter, but the freedom to do so is rather liberating. I'm not stuck in a certain reputation, impression, stereotype. Hopefully, I can make the most of this great opportunity and not take it for granted or ruin it.

With that, I'd like to say that I don't think I'm going to try and figure out 'the situation' anymore. It's not worth my focus. Yes, I would like to know the truth and what truly happened, so then I can know what exactly I did wrong and I can finally heal from the pain it all caused me, but no matter what I know and don't know, I was hurt and it sucked and now that is over. All I can do now is live my life. I need to stop trying to control my life and just live it. So, if friendships are rekindled, great! If not, that's great, too. Plotting my next move, debating over what to say and not say, and all that other crap I tried to do to get a desired outcome, I can't and shouldn't do anymore. I just need to let fate take it's course and let what is meant to happen, happen. That's all any of us can do really-- just let our destined journey unfold.

I mean, when it comes down to it all I want is dear friends, accomplish and worthwhile career, and be content. If I have those three basic things, I think my life will turn out alright. I think I'll be alright.

Another epiphany. And what to do with it.

My epiphanies seem to come to me with perfect timing. Since my previous entry a lot of light has been shared on said issue. Maybe everything that she did wasn't all her fault, it wasn't all on her own accord. And maybe the one person that I trusted to be on my side wasn't, at least not as much as I thought. Now what does this new information mean? Does it mean that it is more acceptable and easier for me to forgive? I think so. Does it really change the effect that the whole situation had on me? Somewhat, but not necessarily for the better. The past is still the past and this doesn't really change that. It just makes it more detailed. But really, what is effected now is the future. I could potentially make amends. Finally recover from the situation and rekindle a friendship.

Is that the point, though? Is that what I really want? And would it be worth it? Those answers, I do not know. That's what I need to figure out. The 'how' to figure that out is a hazy part of the equation as well. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I want to make peace, I want to move on from this, and not have this weighing over my head and heart. I just don't know how to go about doing that and what the outcome will be.

The one thing I do know is that I'm glad I know more of the truth. Not knowing what happened was probably one of the worst parts. But now there are more things that I do not know. This whole thing is very confusing.

I did make an effort yesterday, and a small one at that. So small that I don't think she knew it was an effort. Upon Mat's, suggestion I texted her with a simple greeting. Thus far, I have not had a reply. Maybe she doesn't want to be friends despite what I was told, maybe there is something I am still missing, I don't know. I would just like a resolution. And a happy one. One that I can be comfortable with. I probably want too much.