Tribulations.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm scared of basically everything. More concisely, I'm paranoid. It's probably the most frustrating trait I have about myself. I'm tired of calculating everyone's actions and words, trying to solve a mystery or something. Trying to find truth. But most of the time I just see either what I want to see or what I'm most afraid of seeing. I don't know what to believe or trust in anymore when it comes to people. I don't know which of the cherished moments I have with them are genuine or not, or if any of them are really.

I think all of this stems from insecurity. I hate insecurity. I hate the shameful act of belittling myself, but anything is better than others doing so to you. Maybe that's what insecurity is-- a defense mechanism, if we scold ourselves then maybe when other criticize and judge it won't hurt as badly. However, that defense is bullshit. But for some reason we get pulled into, at least I do.

And I always tell myself, 'you're being ridiculous, no one hates you.' Which may be true. But what scares me the most is that I'm not being ridiculous and everyone does hate me, or at least doesn't think as nicely as I wish.

I just feel like I'm in a constant battle to prove something. To myself, my family, my friends, my peers, teachers, even strangers. I want to impress upon them something positive, to make them happy. I think that maybe if I can make others happy then that happiness will fill me, too. Unfortunately I'm constantly unsatisfied and I don't know what to do about it. I guess it's because I fear that all that I do have might be a lie, and then what?

But what's the worst part is that I feel like I'm always reaching out. And I rarely feel like I get anything in return. I don't want that to seem selfish. But when you love and care for people and they don't show you that they feel the same way, it hurts. Especially when its your friends and family. I mean, deep down you know that they love you, but being able to prove your love and being able to experience someone else's, and be able to share love between one another, that is something irreplaceable. Nothing feels better then the satisfaction and assurance that you are loved. Wanted. Appreciated. Accepted.

What makes matters worse is that I feel like, in order to loved, wanted, appreciated, and accepted, that I have to forsake or hide my true emotions, thoughts, or opinions on something, simply because it isn't what 'everyone else thinks' because it goes against the norm. Or maybe it doesn't even have to be going against the norm, but I'm just the only one willing to speak it out loud and with purpose.

But sometimes, whether a significant issue or not, I get shot down for my opinion. I get yelled at. I get lectured. I suppose this nor really any of what I have been talking about is specifically with me. I know it happens with everyone, but it still has a large impact on me. Especially when it comes to the issue, well, debate of religion. That one always seems to get me bitten in the ass. My mom doesn't get it. Most of my classmates don't get it. It's difficult when something that makes up and is a such a large part of who you are and the type of person that you are is something that frustrates and disappoints your friends and family. It's one thing if a stranger or acquaintance disapproves your views, but its whole other issue when the ones who disapprove are the ones who are supposed to love and accept you the most.

I don't know, I was really dedicated to this post for a while and now thinking about all of this is making me exhausted. I will undoubtedly continue into similar rantings very soon, though. I feel like this stuff is going to be on my mind for a while, unfortunately.