October.

My life continues to be a complete and total roller coaster. I have had so much to be grateful for and happy about this month, and yet, so much shit has happened at the same time. Maybe life just gradually becomes more and more like this as we grow older, but either way it's frustrating.

Most of the shit boils down to the simple fact that people are selfish far too often. I'm so tired of a lot of people around me who have no regard for those around them. I don't understand what is so difficult about being good to one another? If you treat yourself so well, then how does one have zero capacity to put some of that good treatment to someone else? Especially when they are your friend or family member?

I'm not saying that everyone should love everyone, but there is such a thing as simple, common decency. You don't have to sacrifice everything, but there does come a time when one should sacrifice at least something for others.

September.

This month has already presented me a lot of challenges. I've had this subconscious anxiety with everything going on with Cassidy the last couple of weeks while I attempted to prepare for South Pacific and as Arabian started creeping its way into my life, as well. Everything at work is at a peak of busyness and takes up so much time in this shuffle of responsibilities. I've slowly been trying to allow myself to let go of the desire to go the the GC Festival in New York. And in the midst of that trying to adapt to the current situation of struggle with my brother.

All of this stress, worry, frustration, etc. blew up in my face yesterday and just left me completely empty. Losing Cassidy ripped my heart to shreds. Experiencing death like this is a painful and frightening reminder that there is so much in our lives that just doesn't mean shit when it comes down to it. It makes so much seem pointless, worthless. While I have been desperately grasping for any and every memory I possibly can of her, I can't help but feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for leaving so much unsaid. For not giving her a ride, or texting her randomly. For not doing even the smallest gesture to let her know that I still cared about her and would have loved to help her or be in her life. To let her know that I am her friend. I let years go by without ever talking to her face-to-face. No, we were not best friends. And no, we probably never would have been. But it's really difficult to not believe that there was at something I might have been able to do. To touch her life with even a fraction of the light that she brought to everyone else's lives. 

She made a lot of mistakes in her life. She took a lot of risks. But isn't that what life is suppose to be? Her actions may have been seen as reckless and I do believe some of them were. But I just wonder how different it all would be if everyone who is collectively missing her now, would have embraced her in her last months. If maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to break her sobriety. 

I'm haunted by a lot of these 'what if's and I wish I could get them out of my head so I could just mourn and heal properly. I suppose that it's just a part of the process. There's just such an active memory of her, I can still see perfectly playing in my mind. I can hear her laugh, see her walk, everything. I wish I remembered more. I wish I wouldn't have been so insecure and scared and would have actually hung out with her more. I can't do that now.

It breaks my heart to think of how incredible her life would have been if she could have kicked the addiction for good. At the same time, though, I think her soul was too beautiful for this ugly world. 

Right now it's just impossible for me to accept that she is gone. It doesn't feel real. I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to wrap my head or my heart around this. I can't even imagine what her best/life-long friends and her family are going through right now. If I feel this low, their pain must be unfathomable. 

Through all of this, so much fear has come along. Fear that one day it'll be me, or my best friend, or my brother, or my parents, etc. And then once that thought comes, an even more frightening one follows: one day it will be that day for each and every one of them. That impending heartache is too much for me to imagine and I think it is making all of this that much more painful.

Cassidy and Karen had a lot of issues as siblings. That much was clear. However, they also are two of the closest sisters I have ever met in my entire life. And knowing that they are forever apart now, makes me want to run screaming and crying because I don't think I will ever know what that is like. To have my sibling be so integral to my life. To have my sibling know me, in and out, better than anyone else. That frightens and saddens me so much. 

So not only is this a time of heartache, but one of great fear, too. That's a lot to handle at once.

Thankfully, today ended up being better. I have truly and unbelievably wonderful friends who make me really happy. I am so grateful for them, especially now. This has taught me that I can never take that for granted. And it reinforces my belief that we all NEED to be good to one another. Life is way too short to not have love in your heart for each and every person. 

I would give anything to have Cassidy back. But since I can't, the very least I can do is to ensure that she is always remembered, and that I will never take anyone for granted again. I am inspired more than ever to be aware of what truly matters and cherish it dearly. 

A lot left unsaid.

I don't know why it has been so hard for me to come back to this and update on everything. Most importantly, update on my conversation with my brother. It surprisingly went well and a lot better than I had anticipated. The whole experience was exactly what I needed at the time. And for a long time after that everything seemed to be moving toward the direction I was hoping for or at least showed promise in doing so.

Lately, however, I have been having my doubts again. I've just been consistently reminded of how self-centered he truly is, and though he says he is aware of it, I don't think he honestly knows what it means to put others first. He thinks that saying he loves me, and saying he cares, and saying that he will make changes will make all the difference. That's just not enough. And it's not the point.

He's made an effort to have me in his life more, but still makes zero effort to be a part of or to know anything about my life at all. The latter is what matters most in this situation. Showing someone that you love them and care about them is done through taking interest in their life as equally as you make them a part of your own. He has no perception of that and it just makes it seem like our conversation meant nothing and served no purpose for him. I mean, it helped me for a while, which is good, but now I feel like I'm back to where we started and that is infuriating.

I don't see what else I can do and I don't see him honestly doing anything any time soon. I'm just so tired of wasting my time and my love on someone who doesn't actively care about anything but his self-interest.

Maybe I'm asking too much of him at once. But can I really be asking too much if he doesn't even seem to grasp what I'm asking of him, period? I don't think he truly understands what it means to love someone AND be there for them. I don't understand why that is so hard for people to do, because for me it seems like the two go hand-in-hand.

I have made so many sacrifices for him--to support him and in an effort to get time back that we've lost. He has yet to make one for me. He has yet to do anything for me really. He half-asses everything and I'm so done.

P.E.A.C.E.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle and go about my impending talk with my brother. I keep going over possible ways of saying what I feel and think and debating on what to bring up and discuss in the first place. I don't know what is most important and relevant in order to keep it as peaceable as possible. I finally turned to one of my books from philosophy class for guidance and I was reminded of the P.E.A.C.E process. (Problem. Emotions. Analysis. Contemplation. Equilibrium.). I actually realized that I have been doing each of these things while trying to figure out this whole situation. However, I've been going from one to the other in an unorganized and somewhat chaotic and sporadic manner and so I thought writing out my thought process for each might help me make sense of things as it so often does for me with other aspects of my life.

Problem:
My brother and I have no unification as siblings. We live our lives completely separate of one another and always have. This separation has resulted in a disconnect and distance between the two of us that makes us akin to strangers in many ways. We love one another, yet don't practice it. I don't think we know how to.//For Matt, I don't think he even sees a problem, which is part of the problem in my eyes. He thinks everything is fine when I feel like there's nothing there. It hurts that he seems satisfied with our relationship or lack thereof.

Emotions:
This problem has affected me and been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've felt abandoned and unwanted. Mostly not good enough. It makes be sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because I love my brother and want to be close to him. Angry because I believe it shouldn't and doesn't have to be this way. I think it all comes down to feeling alone. It's one thing to not feel close to my parents. That seems natural to me, but it feels unnatural to not be close to my own brother. // For Matt, I know that he loves me. But I feel like he doesn't show me. I understand that, like Mom, it's harder for him to express how he feels. But I just wish he would act as though he loved me more than just saying it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him either, but I can't keep hurting myself.

Analysis:
I think I've started this already, even in my previous two paragraphs. This is typical of me, always jumping ahead and thinking too quickly as I go. The one thing I am fairly certain of is the fact that in one way or another talking to Matt and approaching him about all of this is the solution or at least first step to a solution to the problem. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet--addressing the situation with him directly. I've avoided it mostly out of fear and just generally not being ready nor being prepared to have that discussion. I've had to do a lot of personal discovery and development to get to this point and I think it's time for me to actually face this before it becomes a permanent chip on my shoulder. I just want to do it in the least problematic manner as possible.

Contemplation:
My disposition. My disposition or personal philosophy and outlook on this situation is that I will survive and I will go on if things don't work out the way that I wish. I will have happiness and I will live my life and I will accomplish things and I will have wonderful people in life. I have a good life and I will continue to have a good life, with or without being close to my brother. However, I'm afraid that  everything unspoken about this and how I feel will eat away at me throughout my life and it will limit me. I don't want that. And I don't want it to turn into resentment or regret. I just want to finally express myself and let the situation at least be recognized. I don't expect it to be fixed or for everything to be as I want and wish it to be, but I want to release it so at least I can heal and be able to move on peacefully regardless of the result. At this point I just want the conversation, not necessarily the resolution.

Equilibrium:
Just in typing this all out I feel more balanced about the situation and I believe as ready as I can be (and definitely more prepared) to actually put this conversation into action. Post-conversation I may have to revisit this process, but this has most certainly proved to be helpful, worthwhile, and what I needed to do before contacting my brother.

So, I guess here it goes. To be continued...

A burst.

Something came over me tonight and I don't know how to explain what happened. Mom mentioned how much we "went through" with Matt and alcohol so its place in his life worries her and I questioned her about it. I admit, I did so more suddenly and aggressively than I meant to. Just something in me clicked and I was talking quicker than my brain could process from where my feelings about her comment and the situation were coming.*

*The damn electricity went out so I didn't have wi-fi when I was typing this. But I'm too lazy to type this all up again so the rest of the blog is in the photo below. Also, I was too lazy to make the photo look nice, so that will have to work.

The Things.

A list of things occupying my mind lately. (In no specific order)

1. AFI and NYFA
2. Summertree
3. Touch-up tattoo & new tattoo
4. jva
5. Insanity
6. Grandma, death, euthanasia
7. Dad. Matt. Distance.
8. Dawson's Creek...
9. Filmmaking, directing, editing, AD, cinematography. Passion. Drive.
10. The Amazing Spider-Man. Comics. Story. Heart.
11. Marc Webb.
12. Dr. Miller.
13. Taylor High School. THS Drama.
14. London. Travel. Europe. New experiences. Places.
15. Finding home. Garden State.
16. Capstone Capstone Capstone.
17. Scholarships.
18. Music. Wheels. Awake, aware, sentient.
19. Friendship. Alone.
20. Inspiration.
21. Wanting to be who I want to be without outside opinion, norms, history as obstacles.
22. Graduation. Looking back.
23. Road trips.
24. Roger Ebert. Happiness. Cinema. Life's arch.

Assortment.

You know those things in life that naturally fill voids and just make the hard things a little easier? I feel disconnected from mine and like some are slipping away. At the same time, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. And those that I can do, I'm too scared to--afraid that it's never the right time, that I'm not ready, or that it will be a mistake in some way and I'll regret it.

I haven't been this doubtful in a long time and I think it's because I'm not in the environment that nurtures me and allows me to thrive and grow. I feel caged here. Every time I come 'home', it's like reverting back to high school and growing up when I was predominantly miserable. Clearly I don't want that, but I also don't know how to overcome it either.

I don't think about or miss Taylor when I'm at NKU because they are both home in their own special way. However, knowing that Taylor is freezing in time and has a foreseeable end being attached to it, I feel as though a bit of me is aching to hold on. It truly is like when someone dies and you go into this panic of fear, knowing that nothing could possibly be the same without it. I know the new will bring so many opportunities to students, teachers, and the community, but it's hard to let go of the one thing that held us all together as a singular common ground--a shared and unified home. We didn't have the best things but by far we had the greatest pride, drive, and heart. I don't want to see that go away or being replaced and taken for granted.

(Note: This was typed late afternoon on Wednesday, May 29th.)