P.E.A.C.E.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle and go about my impending talk with my brother. I keep going over possible ways of saying what I feel and think and debating on what to bring up and discuss in the first place. I don't know what is most important and relevant in order to keep it as peaceable as possible. I finally turned to one of my books from philosophy class for guidance and I was reminded of the P.E.A.C.E process. (Problem. Emotions. Analysis. Contemplation. Equilibrium.). I actually realized that I have been doing each of these things while trying to figure out this whole situation. However, I've been going from one to the other in an unorganized and somewhat chaotic and sporadic manner and so I thought writing out my thought process for each might help me make sense of things as it so often does for me with other aspects of my life.

Problem:
My brother and I have no unification as siblings. We live our lives completely separate of one another and always have. This separation has resulted in a disconnect and distance between the two of us that makes us akin to strangers in many ways. We love one another, yet don't practice it. I don't think we know how to.//For Matt, I don't think he even sees a problem, which is part of the problem in my eyes. He thinks everything is fine when I feel like there's nothing there. It hurts that he seems satisfied with our relationship or lack thereof.

Emotions:
This problem has affected me and been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I've felt abandoned and unwanted. Mostly not good enough. It makes be sad and angry all at the same time. Sad because I love my brother and want to be close to him. Angry because I believe it shouldn't and doesn't have to be this way. I think it all comes down to feeling alone. It's one thing to not feel close to my parents. That seems natural to me, but it feels unnatural to not be close to my own brother. // For Matt, I know that he loves me. But I feel like he doesn't show me. I understand that, like Mom, it's harder for him to express how he feels. But I just wish he would act as though he loved me more than just saying it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him either, but I can't keep hurting myself.

Analysis:
I think I've started this already, even in my previous two paragraphs. This is typical of me, always jumping ahead and thinking too quickly as I go. The one thing I am fairly certain of is the fact that in one way or another talking to Matt and approaching him about all of this is the solution or at least first step to a solution to the problem. It's the one thing I haven't tried yet--addressing the situation with him directly. I've avoided it mostly out of fear and just generally not being ready nor being prepared to have that discussion. I've had to do a lot of personal discovery and development to get to this point and I think it's time for me to actually face this before it becomes a permanent chip on my shoulder. I just want to do it in the least problematic manner as possible.

Contemplation:
My disposition. My disposition or personal philosophy and outlook on this situation is that I will survive and I will go on if things don't work out the way that I wish. I will have happiness and I will live my life and I will accomplish things and I will have wonderful people in life. I have a good life and I will continue to have a good life, with or without being close to my brother. However, I'm afraid that  everything unspoken about this and how I feel will eat away at me throughout my life and it will limit me. I don't want that. And I don't want it to turn into resentment or regret. I just want to finally express myself and let the situation at least be recognized. I don't expect it to be fixed or for everything to be as I want and wish it to be, but I want to release it so at least I can heal and be able to move on peacefully regardless of the result. At this point I just want the conversation, not necessarily the resolution.

Equilibrium:
Just in typing this all out I feel more balanced about the situation and I believe as ready as I can be (and definitely more prepared) to actually put this conversation into action. Post-conversation I may have to revisit this process, but this has most certainly proved to be helpful, worthwhile, and what I needed to do before contacting my brother.

So, I guess here it goes. To be continued...

A burst.

Something came over me tonight and I don't know how to explain what happened. Mom mentioned how much we "went through" with Matt and alcohol so its place in his life worries her and I questioned her about it. I admit, I did so more suddenly and aggressively than I meant to. Just something in me clicked and I was talking quicker than my brain could process from where my feelings about her comment and the situation were coming.*

*The damn electricity went out so I didn't have wi-fi when I was typing this. But I'm too lazy to type this all up again so the rest of the blog is in the photo below. Also, I was too lazy to make the photo look nice, so that will have to work.

The Things.

A list of things occupying my mind lately. (In no specific order)

1. AFI and NYFA
2. Summertree
3. Touch-up tattoo & new tattoo
4. jva
5. Insanity
6. Grandma, death, euthanasia
7. Dad. Matt. Distance.
8. Dawson's Creek...
9. Filmmaking, directing, editing, AD, cinematography. Passion. Drive.
10. The Amazing Spider-Man. Comics. Story. Heart.
11. Marc Webb.
12. Dr. Miller.
13. Taylor High School. THS Drama.
14. London. Travel. Europe. New experiences. Places.
15. Finding home. Garden State.
16. Capstone Capstone Capstone.
17. Scholarships.
18. Music. Wheels. Awake, aware, sentient.
19. Friendship. Alone.
20. Inspiration.
21. Wanting to be who I want to be without outside opinion, norms, history as obstacles.
22. Graduation. Looking back.
23. Road trips.
24. Roger Ebert. Happiness. Cinema. Life's arch.

Assortment.

You know those things in life that naturally fill voids and just make the hard things a little easier? I feel disconnected from mine and like some are slipping away. At the same time, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. And those that I can do, I'm too scared to--afraid that it's never the right time, that I'm not ready, or that it will be a mistake in some way and I'll regret it.

I haven't been this doubtful in a long time and I think it's because I'm not in the environment that nurtures me and allows me to thrive and grow. I feel caged here. Every time I come 'home', it's like reverting back to high school and growing up when I was predominantly miserable. Clearly I don't want that, but I also don't know how to overcome it either.

I don't think about or miss Taylor when I'm at NKU because they are both home in their own special way. However, knowing that Taylor is freezing in time and has a foreseeable end being attached to it, I feel as though a bit of me is aching to hold on. It truly is like when someone dies and you go into this panic of fear, knowing that nothing could possibly be the same without it. I know the new will bring so many opportunities to students, teachers, and the community, but it's hard to let go of the one thing that held us all together as a singular common ground--a shared and unified home. We didn't have the best things but by far we had the greatest pride, drive, and heart. I don't want to see that go away or being replaced and taken for granted.

(Note: This was typed late afternoon on Wednesday, May 29th.)

What's next...

As of right now it seems as though I am in a transitioning process between the previous and the next step and time/section/part of my life. It's not yet established what this summer will be like and that is both exciting and intimidating for me.

I'm hoping to have more meditative and reflective time this summer and do things purely for my own serenity. As well, the goal is to finally make a change in my eating and exercising habits in hopes that it will lead to a happier and healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. It will definitely be a "one step at a time" process, but I think I have finally developed enough patience and will power to actually give it all a legitimate try.

My situation with work is in a strange place in my head and heart. I enjoy what I do and the company and I continue to learn a lot from my experiences there. However, a part of me is starting to feel like just a cog in a machine and I still don't quite understand the machine in some ways. I feel out of place at times and more like an inconvenience than an asset.

Between that being in the back of my mind and everything with Grandma, Uptown, Cappies, and Dad, I don't think I'd be handling it all this well if it weren't for Miller's philosophy class. I feel like I'm not going into things as blindly as I would before and I have a better sense of how to respond to the world around me and distinguish between what is reality or necessary versus the perception of it all that my mind tries to make for itself.

And lastly, there is still a great deal of mystery and uncertainty with this new addition to my life. I don't what it means or where it is going. I don't know if I have any control in the matter or not. All I know is that it brings me joy and enthusiasm and evokes parts of me and allows me to express myself in ways I previously doubted anyone give me the chance to.

Therefore, the question of what's next is still dangling in the air, unanswered. And for once, I'm actually okay with that (at the moment).

Winding down with reflection.

I think it is safe to say that I have survived this semester somehow. I'm not entirely sure how I managed it, but I did and I am honestly proud of myself. Starting the semester I knew I was going to be taking on a lot and my mother doubted that I would be able to handle it. I was afraid she would be right, but I believe I've earned the right to say that I proved her wrong. I have done well this semseter in my accomplishments and achievements. I'm grateful to know that I was capable of fulfilling the high demands and responsibilities I took on in the last couple of months. It's a relief to know that I am nearing the end, but I couldn't be happier to be able to say that I did it and that I did it fairly well, too.

Now knowing how much I am capable of and being aware of where my limitations lie, I feel more comfortable and confident moving forward in my life. I've learned so much about how I work, how I want to work, who I am, and who I want to be. I owe so much to this semester for it really has transformed me and my life for the better. Everything is in progress, but it's great knowing that I am making progress, as well, by improving and becoming stronger as a worker and as a human being.

***

I took a break from typing this and in that time period, something just hit me. I wonder when or if the feeling of having to part with certain times and places of my life will go away. As a student, my life events are punctuated by the start of school, moving into my dorm, holiday breaks, end of the semester, finals, etc. etc. Sometimes when I look at older adults, especially my dad or people that have lived a certain lifestyle for years and years, if they enjoy life better that way having the consistency or if it makes life more heartbreaking/hard to part from and move on.

Some progress. And patience.

I managed to somehow I've been able to find my way through all the stress and bullshit some. I've realized I can't let myself shut down when something isn't going right or I don't get what I want or need. I've been practicing the philosophies I've been realizing lately and it has been very helpful. Philosophy doesn't help my sleeping schedule or lack thereof, but it helps my spirits, which is good.

I think I'm finally learning how to accept things for what they are and not over analyzing things like I tend to do. I still think about things a lot, but I'm not letting my thoughts and my emotions mix as much right now. At least, I don't think...ha.

The next week and a half is going to be insane. And I'm scared, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to remind myself that no matter what all of these things will be survived. I might be stressed, lose sleep, or cry, but it will all come to its own as it should.

That's another significant thing I've learned lately. I've learned that patience really is the greatest virtue. And the more patient, I am the more rewarding and liberating the results are.

I have made progress and am in progress. This journey is coming to its end in the next few weeks and its hard to fathom. Perhaps it's good circumstance that I'm too busy to truly fathom all of that just yet.

Once I'm through this phase, I can finally open myself up to the next phase I've been so looking forward to.