Big Chocolate.

Today was better than I ever could have expected. Reminds me that patience and hope sometimes pay off. I haven't been able to just let go and purely enjoy myself in sooo long. Really happy I was able to do so tonight. Definitely a lot of memories made today. I haven't felt this good in a long time, I hope it lasts.

Going, going, going.

I can't stop thinking about everything, all the time, everywhere. Nothing seems to be able to turn off my mind lately. I love it and hate it all at the same time.

It's time.

I have to give up and let go. At least with this one thing. I can't hold on so tightly to an uncertainty.

"The Son." The daughter, the sister, the lonely.

I finished watching "The Son" episode of Friday Night Lights and it stirred up something that has be floating through my mind the last couple of weeks/month or so. It brought up the irrefutable fact that everyone in my family grieves and suffers alone. We don't hold each other or talk in a time of need. We don't sit, we don't listen. We don't write. We don't do anything.

No one talked to be about Grandpa's death really. No one held me either. No one in this family has ever done that, period. I think that is what makes any sadness I feel so unbearable, the fact that I essentially have to face it alone, because no one in this family knows how to be emotionally and physically supportive comforting at all. We each just crawl into our own little corners and deal with our troubles by ourselves.

It's one thing if they don't wish to expose their own emotions and struggles and pain, because that is their choice to make. But I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt for them not to reach out to me through my struggles and my pain.

We feel so much and never want to show it. All I want is for us to connect and be there for one another. And so I spill my heart and soul out, trying to make us a family and give our relationships meaning, but no one puts in that same effort.

We're not a family. And I'm tired of dealing with everything by myself. I have wonderful friends, but with family things, only family can understand and yet mine doesn't and doesn't even want to, either.

I feel like the lack of affection expressed between me and my family is a large reason why I feel such a strong need to be close to everyone and for someone to be by my side through it all.

I want so badly for someone to hold me and one of my greatest fears is that no one will ever want to.

New Goal

I will lose 20 pounds by Lollapalooza.

I need to do this. And I don't care how it happens, but it just has to.

Him, again.

It freaks me out a little how much I want to be a part of his life. I just have a really strong feeling, telling me that he would have a way of making my life so much better. He would be good for me and for the person I want to be. I just want that so badly. Just by knowing him, I feel changed.

These words seem really heavy, but they're true. I am inspired and enlightened by what he knows and all that he is. No one has EVER made me feel that way and I really want to fight for that.

I doubt this is mutual, but I'm just not ready to give up on the possibility of something more for me. Whether that be a relationship, a friendship, or even just more learning and inspiring for me by his example. It doesn't matter.

He's really the only thing lately that drives me to do anything. I don't know why, that's just how it's been lately. This is one thing I don't feel indifferent about and I need the motivation because otherwise I settle and sulk and don't accomplish much of anything

Am I the only one?

I really hope it's not just me who has a problem with looking some people in the eyes. I feel like it takes a lot of effort and time with a person before I can or even try to. I seem to go into a mini panic--afraid that they're going to see through me or read my mind or something. Obviously they can't. But it freaks me out every time. I don't like the idea of being exposed or judged or my privacy being invaded, at all. I suppose this is part of what makes me come off so skittish, nervous, and awkward at times. There's not really anything I can do about it, since it's just a reflex, but it's something I've become more and more aware of lately and figured I would just point it out. So yeah, there it is.