Needed to do something. Needed some soothing. Still do.

I miss the inspiration of my last blog. I'm riding through the dark tunnel of the emotional roller coaster at the moment. Nothing tragic or devastating has happened to me or anyone I care about or anything, I'm just having one of my blue spells. I want so much from life and the people in my own. I know that I can be selfish in that way. But who doesn't want a meaningful relationship with their brother? Who doesn't want their family to get along and enjoy each other's company to the fullest? Who doesn't want people to want them too or even need them, too? I mean, I know that some things just don't change. But it's really difficult for me to accept that this is as good as it gets. That my family will only be as good as it is today. That my brother will only love me as much as he does today. I want more. Typically that desire is called greed, however, I see it more as wanting to reach the fullest potential possible. To not let and piece of me or others go to waste. So that when I die I can say that I loved, cried, laughed, gave, tried, helped, inspired, cared, listened, etc., etc., as deeply and truly as my spirit would allow me.

I'm an emotional wreck 95% of the time. And I know that that is not necessarily a good or healthy thing. But that's all I know how to do--to think and feel. I can't create, so I just react.

I have wonderful people in my life. I couldn't be more grateful for them nor cherish them more and love them more dearly. But I still feel alone nearly all the time. No one quite gets me completely. I think this is why I cling to music, books, quotes, because I find those words or notes that perfectly match me

I feel like my beliefs are a barrier. They stop me from ultimately connecting with people. But when I let go of my beliefs, I let go of me.

I don't know, maybe everything in this world just means too much to me. It's hard for me to find the words, but I am so conflicted all the time. I'm so sad. Not depressed, just sad. Like I'm missing something--something I know is there, but will never come to me.

I think that nothing I say on here actually makes sense or has a point. It all probably lacks meaning completely. It's just as disoriented as I am with my thoughts/feelings.

Sometimes I just need to do something. Somehow this is soothing. Though I don't know why or how.

When in doubt, jump.

I feel overwhelmingly inspired right now. I just finished watching The Human Experience. It's an incredible documentary about two brothers and their friends as the venture to various places in the world and meet all sorts of different people--all in the search for what life means to other people. I've always had this vibrant and uncontrollable passion and desire for life. I try to feel and experience everything as deeply and sincerely as I possibly can. Well, after watching this I feel even more compelled to do so and more compelled to take personal action and initiative toward impacting others lives. I want to see the world and more and importantly meet the people in it. I want that out of body, once in a lifetime, unbelievably moving and life-changing experience. I want to travel. I want go places I've never been before. I want to accomplish something.

I realized that I want to live and not simply focus on all the perceptions and expectations of me or that I think are there. Just live, jumping head first into my dreams. For once in my life I need to take a supreme chance and see where life takes me.

"When in doubt, jump. Figure out how to unfold your wings as you fall."

Two

So I had this friend, Kalyn. Our older brothers were in a band together and were best friends. They shared a passion and talent for music and they really complimented each others' personalities well. Kalyn and I, however, were and still are very much unalike. I'm short, she's tall. She's blonde, I'm brunette. She's good at everything she does, and I always seemed to struggle. She had self-confidence and I just didn't. But the main difference was that she got along with her brother and I did not with mine. So when we were both about 9 or 10 she invited over to spend the night at her house. I was excited, like all little girls are, for a sleepover. We set up a tent in her living room and baked cookies. Afterwards we stayed up late playing video games. Now, I've maybe played five video games in my lifetime and I suck at every single one of them. Well we picked out this motor-cross game that didn't seem too difficult. Once we started playing I didn't seem to be doing too bad. I was ranking up points left and right and actually beating her. She even started asking me for help with some things, so I gave her a few pointers. Kalyn always won, so selfishly I was really proud of the fact that I was winning. It's always an awesome feeling when you surprise yourself and accomplish something you never thought you could. Well, the next morning we started playing the game again and our brothers came out and sat with us while we played and watched. I was excited for the chance to impress my brother and show him how good I was. It seems silly now, but I thought it would change his opinion of me, I guess. I don't know. Well I didn't play very well that morning and Kalyn was racking up all the points instead. I was so confused and embarrassed. Turns out, the night before Kalyn had switched controllers and told me we were different screens. It wasn't me who won the night before, it was her. Our brothers found it hysterical. I did not. I felt like an idiot and I was angry with her for tricking me that way. I really hate dishonest people. That's probably why we're not friends anymore.

Monologue Draft One.

I've always been one to believe that you come upon things for a reason. That song that plays and describes exactly how you feel--it wasn't a just a coincidence. That quote you read online somewhere or those words someone spoke to you that suddenly make everything make sense. It was supposed to be that way. The words that I needed the most came to me in July. I had been reading this book, "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein. Her story changed everything for me. See, it all started last December. My best friend abandoned me--just woke up one day and told me I was too emotional to be around. I mean, too emotional? What is that even supposed to mean? What was I supposed to be? A brick!? The funny thing was, that "emotion" I shouldn't have was what let me be her friend for so long. She had been really messing things up with her life, making huge mistakes, treating people decided then that I would never forgive her, actively reminding myself every day of what she did. For once, I was going to stand up for myself and not be the bigger person in give in. I gave up believing that she could be a good person and a good friend. I gave up defending her and thinking she had changed. For almost a year I struggled with this, just despising her existence and wishing she would just be sorry for what she did. I became a brick. At least toward her, anyways. In the book, Boorstein mentions an elderly woman who was so incredibly angry for her whole life that it became an auto-pilot emotion for her. .

Missing something.

All I want is to feel like I'm a part of something. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything right now. I feel disconnected and unwanted. I'm present in places, but I'm not welcomed. No one chooses me.

I know I have a really defeatist attitude, but I just take what I see and make conclusions from there. I watch people and they connect so easily and spend so much time together, but it never works out for me like that.

I guess, I just look for a real friendship right away and other people know how to socialize and have fun. I don't know how to do that the way others do. I wish I did. I really do care for and respect people and I want to be a part of their lives. I want to learn how to connect with them, but at the same time I'm afraid that they don't want me around or even like me.

I feel so small.

"The Only Thing Constant is Change" and "I'm in Need of Stimulation"

You know, you really can't be sure of anything but change. That is the only constant in this turbulent world of ours. Change can bring a person so much growth and joy, but it also rips them of that as well, at times.

I'm not entirely sure why things happen when they do, but I know that there is a reason. But it seems to me that in my life all the things that have happened to me have had a reason. It's just that those reasons seems to change or having different meaning everyday.

I mean, originally I thought that a certain person came back into my life as a sign that I had finally overcome my struggle, and showed me that I had found forgiveness and was finally ready to move. I saw it as a second chance. I saw it as a new hope to a previously dark situation. But now, I'm beginning to think something else was going on.

I feel more so now that it was a test. That the reappearance of this person in my life was to show me what it would be like if my "wish" for a rekindled friendship was granted. This situation has proven to me that nothing has changed with this person. And this is one time where the lack of change is not good. It's quite disappointing actually. However, on the positive side, I now know completely the end to that story. The end to that part of my life.

I had some amazing memories from that time--memories of finally beginning to find myself. I will never regret that time. I just wish that I could have held the good times through to the future and now, the present. But instead, I had to grow more from my loss. I'm thankful for finding this 'new' part of myself. This part that has struggled and hurt and survived that has become a stronger and more confident person because of it.

I've been thinking about this for a while and just wanted to get it out. I'm not emotional right now, simply complacent. A little nostalgic, but not emotional, which is an improvement.

I do wish, though, for an incredible experience. An inspiring one. I feel like a need stimulation right now and that just might satisfy that need, I would think. We'll see what the week has in store.

The Irony of People.

It's kinda strange how the more people I meet here at school, the more social events I attend, the more I make an effort to spend time with other people here, the more I feel alone. The more I feel unaccepted. Unwanted. Misunderstood. I feel like a side thought. Some people make friends so instantaneously and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm a friendly person, fairly funny, easy to get along with, intelligent, understanding, honest. And yet, no one seems to notice my existence without an introduction. And even once I have that, they forget all about me.

Consistently, I get the question: "Why don't you talk more?" or "Why don't you talk to people?" or "Why are you so quiet?"

And all I want to say is, what is wrong with being quiet? What is wrong with silence? Silence can be a beautiful thing. Why can't a person walk with a group of people and be silent for a few moments, why must every single person be making conversation with another person for that person to be socializing? Part of socializing is listening. I listen to people. That's how I get to know them, to understand them. I'm perfectly content with that. And if I have something to say I will say it, but I don't just constantly try and think of things to say, simply to make conversation. I speak with purpose. And the funny thing is, I get ask why I don't talk more, but half the time when I do, no one listens.

I can't win.

I mean, I know that boisterous and witty and lively people are fun to be around. They make you happy and make situations and events fun just by being there. They're energy and personality permeates to anyone and everything in its environment, and sometimes I can be that person, but not all the time. And I'm not going to change who I am, just to make friends. I just wish someone here would accept me for that and reach out and understand.

I want to show people I have my 'fun' and lively side in me, too. But I never really get the chance and that's difficult for me to deal with right now.