Winter Funk.

My "winter funk", as I like to call it, is already hitting me pretty hard. I find myself trying to being hopeful and borderline day dreaming a lot lately. I've always done that, but lately it's not giving me the drive it normally does. Instead, I end up talking myself out of it all. I come up with reasons for everything to be impossible. Unrealistic. Not for me.

Nothing actually works out for me the way I want and I've been conditioned to expect that. I do and that's the result. Always. Nothing ever positively follows through for me. I absolutely despise thinking so negatively. That's not who I want to be at all. My every bit of my logic and reason knows and realizes the reality. I wish, and I hope, and I think, and I invent the possibilities, but the possibilities are never actuality.

I can't have the family I want, the friends I want, the people I want, the life I want. I don't think it makes me greedy to want these things. I just want to know that they are attainable. And so far, I see no inclination of hope that they are.

Maybe I'm my own worst enemy and I have sealed this fate for myself. Either way, it doesn't suck any less.

I love, appreciate, and respect so many things and people and I want to feel that in return. And even when I do receive it, it's so momentary. The pattern of my life seems to be that nothing lasts. I don't know what or whom to depend on.

I've felt this way for so long and I'm really, really scared that it won't change. What then?

All of this sounds petty and whiny, but I really do feel it profoundly. I have a visceral feeling in my gut that tells me this isn't stupid, it's significant.

Even if I ever did receive the love and appreciation I so desire, I don't think I could trust it. I wouldn't believe it. Currently, I don't trust it, I don't believe in it. I don't know when I developed all this doubt and skepticism, but here it is.

I have no clue where who I used to be went, but the me I used to know is gone. The me I have been lately makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. I feel like I'm out of my skin or something of the sort. I feel like this could be an opportunity for a better version of myself to grow, but I don't feel like I'm growing at all. I feel stuck.

A big part of the struggle is I feel like I have no one to turn to with all of this. Everyone I get close with and learn to trust and rely on disappears from my life and my parents and family is never a trustworthy or worthwhile option. I'm alone. But surrounded by people who expect a lot from me. It's a lot of pressure to try and evoke something from within that you simply don't have or don't even know how to have.

I've lost the energy to care or try or pretend at all really. I don't have the energy to be myself anymore. And I'm not sure who I want to be. Everything feels unnatural.

I'm an emotional bitch and I wish I could just say fuck it all and not care. But I do. I need for things to be different, but I don't think I can do it alone. And I am, most definitely by myself.

Whirlwind.

The past couple months have flown by. Equally so, they have been the longest ones of my life. I don't think I've faced so many challenges and obstacles all at once, though. With school, life, family, friends, the whole lot.

My life has been so wrapped around and focused on The Wedding Singer, I'm not really sure where to go from here with it all. It a lot of ways I feel like I've discovered myself and in other ways I feel totally lost.

I'm not really sure what I want.

It's really hard to think about wants, hopes, goals, etc. when there is so much waiting to happen. I feel like I'm left in the hands of time and I don't have much control of what happens with mine.

Lately, I've been scared about a lot of things. I have fears about a lot of things and they sit in my subconscious all the time. I feel constantly distracted, my emotions already preoccupied.

It's slowly getting easier in some ways, but soon there will be so much time to focus on these underlying things and I don't know if that is a healthy thing or not to be focusing on and figuring out.

Despite these seated worries, I also have a lot to be happy about and grateful for. I'm trying to let the positives outweigh the negatives, but I wouldn't be human if that wasn't a struggle for me at times.

When I try to analyze and sort this all out I find myself just talking in circles and never really getting anywhere. I guess I just want to know where all of this will lead me, what the point of it all was. Accepting that it just is just isn't satisfying enough.

Something to keep in mind.

With everything that has been going on and happening in my life right now, and considering my state of mind with it all, I definitely needed this today. In general, it's wonderful advice to take action with.

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”
— Mahatma Gandhi

One step.

I've finally told someone I have an intimate liking toward them. While I pretty much was certain the feelings weren't returned, or at least knew that I wasn't the first option, I did it anyway. I finally allowed myself to have that moment. I took a risk. I was honest. I didn't allow my fear or the possibility of the feelings not being returned from keeping me to do what I could and to say what I feel. I spend so much of my time trying to serve the circumstance and serve the other people in those circumstances that I never do what I need or want.

I have surprised myself with how well I have handled and responded to this situation. But obviously, it does still hurt. It does make me wonder when what I want and what wants me will finally match up.

Regardless though, this person brought so much joy to my life and I will always be eternally grateful for that and could never be bitter or spiteful, just because it's not what I entirely wanted.

At least now I feel like there is an actual direction to be focused on. At least I'm not in limbo. I just have to figure out how to nurture this friendship without giving the wrong impression. That's my only fear at this point. I don't want to have to tip-toe around it all now. Which, I know I won't. But I also feel like it's not my step to take. But maybe taking it will prove the initiative.

Who knows. No matter what, a new/different journey is to be had and that's always something to look forward to.

Fear.

I have lived my life almost entirely in utter fear. I have walked around carrying the fear of being stupid, being a fool, not being good enough, never accomplishing my goals, disappointing and hurting others, rejection, loneliness, death. Fear is common to everyone. I know that. I know it's normal to be scared, to have fears and worries.

I've let my fears control and determine my life, however. And while that does keep me from doing things I will regret. It also prevents me from knowing the full extent of possibility. It's forced me to never know or experience certain things. And I will never know if I would have rather had the alternative or not. I can't always know if there ever was an alternative even. 

By consistently adhering to my fears, I often sacrifice my hopes, my desires, my dreams. I'm too afraid to even try or reach for them. What if it's not what I imagined? What if I fail? What if everything else is ruined? Because of this conflict, I never know what to do. So instead of doing something, I don't do anything at all. I sit. I wait. And I let everything and everyone pass by me. I let them act and I just respond. I'm scared to act. 

I hate the idea of not being able to go back. To start over. To fix things. I'm scared of not being able to change my mind and do things differently. I'm so often torn between two distinct and opposite choices, paths, thoughts, emotions.

I got my tattoo to help remind me to find the balance between the two. However, I can't stay out on the tightrope forever. I can't constantly be balancing in the in-between. Eventually, I need to pick a side. While I am scared of falling, I am just as scared of being grounded. Of never seeing the other side. 

I'm scared of having too many options and of having none at all. I know I'm neurotic. I'm trying to let my head take a break and just let it turn off. Sometimes I'm good at it. But it's really difficult when I've built up so much fear. 

How does one get rid of that? I mean, overall, time heals pain and sadness. At least to a certain degree. What cures fear, though? How does one tackle that? How do you heal or recover from a lifetime of fear?

Realizing the inevitable.

A lot has been on my mind lately (obviously, as always) and what has hit me is that I think the only thing worse than losing someone or something is knowing that you are or will lose them. Cassidy's death still has my heart aching, but I have a pit in my stomach knowing that my Grandma will more than likely be next. On top of that I feel the impending loss of my best friend upon me. Sadly I've felt it coming for a while now, but today confirmed a lot of my fears.

The roomie is most definitely cutting me out of her life completely. While I don't think she sees it that way, that's essentially what it is. Regardless, our friendship is a side note and not a priority. The boyfriend is the priority. Of course. It was hard enough not feeling needed, but now I don't even feel wanted as a friend anymore. 

We are more than likely going our separate ways in the near future and I have a feeling it will mean the final nail on our coffin. As dramatic as that sounds, it really has been a slow, but sure decline for us and it really breaks my heart. I've lost friends in more ways than one more times than I'd like and it doesn't get easier. I just always feel like I'm the "best friend" and "sister" and "favorite" until something/someone better comes along. And that hurts, it really really hurts. 

This is probably the first friendship where I felt like I "belonged" and like I was fully understood. Obviously Racq and I have been friends for forever and we will always know each other best, but we don't always understand each other because we are so incredibly different. I thought I had finally found that friend that was so much like me and it was effortless to be friends. We saw the world the same way. That meant so much to me and now I'm at the point where I have to prepare myself to say goodbye to that.

Friendship is the most important thing to me. More important than family. Friendship IS family to me. That being said, this situation is honestly killing me inside and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. 

HBD.

A reflection is long past overdue. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind for sure. It all feels surreal in a way though, too. I actually survived and succeeded with my first show. I made it through. I did it. That impending point in my life is now a part of my past. This process helped me find a new confidence in myself, which is always a good thing for me. I just want it to last. So far other aspects of my life seem to be in a fairly good place, which also helps.

I'm on my way to finally believing in myself and my potential and my worth. With baby steps, but I am. I am still confident in what I want, but I have not tackled the fear of not ever having it. I've always held such a negative self-esteem and I get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I forget that other people perceive me differently, which is both good and bad at times.

I realize I should and need to be more forward and straightforward about my thoughts and feelings, but for some reason it's so incredibly difficult for me to express either without convoluting it or being so vague. I either divulge too much to the point where no one can translate it other than me or too little to keep my walls up.

What it all boils down to is that it's really hard for me to see myself as wanted, appreciated, or respected because I've felt invisible and insignificant my whole life. Lately, it's been somewhat of the opposite and that has really thrown me for a loop and given me a lot to think about.